Awww honey, you shouldn't have....no really

Ahh the holiday season is upon us....no really, it's like, on Saturday!  As the season for giving draws to a close, we've trimmed and re-trimmed the tree (mainly just the lights b/c they are never right the first damn time), we have baked and sampled more than our fair share of cookies and other delightful goodies( that you  tell yourself it is ok to eat b/c it is the holidays and not just a regular ole' tuesday) and, last but not least, we have bought those gifts for the special people in our lives (or the ones that unexpectedly bought us gifts and now I have to find the nearest CVS for the quintessential oh shit gift, a box of Russell Stover chocolates). Naturally, as a woman, I am an excellent listener and pick up on all the things people don't say. So gift giving (for me) is generally pretty easy (plus,it is a great martyr tactic "oh I would love to go out for drinks but I just bought my parents this really awesome tv, yeah I know, I'm great) so anyway it's the thought that counts, right? Eh? If the thought is right then yes. I know, I know what a horrible thing to think and say. You are right. It is. Think of it this way though, yes, it was sweet that you bought me a blow up can-opener. I get the pun, I have a cooking show. Oooo you renewed my fishing license? Wow, that may be the gift that keeps giving. No honey, a toilet seat warmer does not sound like just the thing for me....go ahead and buy it for yourself and maybe I can borrow it? I'm just saying that there has to be thought for the thought to count. So in the small amount of time left for gift buying, really listen and find out what they really want. 

A PONY!!!!!!!!

To "DA" or not to "PDA"? That is the question

PDA. The best source of gossip fodder out there. How else would we know that Sally and Jesse are "together" unless we saw them in the lunchroom making out? We could just take Sally's word for it, but she has had a crush on Jesse since like, third grade. Her viewpoint is kinda one sided. Besides, nothing starts off a conversation better than "OMG you would not believe what I just saw!". Also, think of your attractiveness and popularity. Those go waay up when something juicy is on the line. but really? The lunchroom? Why not be like every other horny teenager and just make out in the stariwell behind Mrs. Carters class (couldn't have been just me....it was a good spot) There is something just amazingly gross about seeing two people in the theros of hormonal rage- oops passion. I get it. In the beginning (or 3 years into....) of a relationship you kinda Hulk out and all the passion and love and spit you have been saving since you saw the Notebook just comes out and won't be denied. Im sure there is a french word that describes it perfectly. 

Lets define PDA. PUBLIC DISPLAYS of AFFECTION . 

That was an easy one! Give me another! No, really

Anyway we need to define what is ok to display and what really should stay in the stairwell behind Mrs. Carters classroom. 

1) NO FRENCH KISSING (seriously really gross, its not an attractive kiss to begin with much less you experiencing it and not me)

2) Hand holding is allowed and encouraged (awwww it is soooo sweet!!!!!!!!! even though im a sweater and wintertime is really the only time I feel comfortable doing it)

3) Groping, eh? (now I am of two minds about this. I do love a good grope but hate being caught. I would employ this tactic at your own risk)

4) Heavy breathing (could be worse than the french kissing....shudder)

5)Footsie (seriously? are we like, in the 50's? Just don't do it, its dumb and hopelessly outdated. you will be laughed at by  me and possibly your date) 

6) Back rubbing, hair pulling, sidelong looks (again, use at  your own risk. can be gross if done inappropriately or constantly)

7) NO French Kissing (oh, did I mention this one already? Did i miss anything?)

WHEW! Glad we covered and cleared that up! Back to the stairwell!!!!

Walk of.....

The walk of shame. We have all done it. Slinking out of some persons house, looking right and then left making sure no one you know sees you en dishabille. The hot pants you wore last night that made your ass look amazing are now sagging a bit in the most awkward places, making you wonder if strip twister was the best idea. The makeup that was so carefully applied has completely run away from your face but has left just enough( in every crease on your face you didn't know you had) to make people think zombies are hotter than you are right now. Your hair.....enough said....You are also pretty sure you wore panties last night but just couldn't muster the energy to look for them. At least you had enough forethought to leave your glasses where you could find them!  
 So my question is when does the walk of shame turn into just leaving someone's house? Is it a "between the hours of" situation or the level of commitment involved or a "well, he bought my dinner, I kinda owed him, right?"
  If it is a 'between the hours of" situation, what are the hours? If you are leaving between the hours of 2am-4am, either you were afraid he would want to repeat an unspectacular performance, making you have to wonder just how many fake orgasms you can have in one night, or the hotel was only paid up for 2 hours, or you just remembered that you have to wash your hair, again (other excuses that would work well here are "my mom is sick and i have to pick up her prescriptions or my dog just died and I have to dig a very large hole for me--i mean for him to be buried in).If you are leaving between the hours of 4am-6am, the sex was obviously worth a second coming (HA!) but feel that sleeping together is just way too intimate (i can understand that), or you are sober enough now that driving home is probably for the best or, you are not comfortable enough with him seeing that you do not look like a superstar in the early hours and morning breath is a very real affliction. Anything after 6am is where the waters get murky. After strip twister and tee many two martoonis (oh yeah) sleep is seriously for the best. At this point, anywhere is good just as long as he doesn't care that a) you will snore and b) bodily function noises will occur and it doesn't mean anything. On the other hand it can also mean that you have reached a level of intimacy that it doesn't matter that you don't look like a superstar, he thinks zombies are cute and, the fact that you have morning breath means you are human. Of course it could also mean that the bed is extremely comfortable and you really were very sore after playing strip twister.

Too soon?

Brace yourselves people, This particular blog is going to cover a wide variety of topics and hopefully i will not lose anyone (most importantly myself) (whoa...that was deep)

So, when is soon too soon? (see, already off the deep end) There are a myriad of dumb-ass rules and regulations regarding getting back into the proverbial saddle(falling back in the wagon? Does that work too?) and riding off into the sunset with mr. right (mr. right now? I like the sound of that) Is a rebound like sunblock? People tell me I should use it but I never do Am I really supposed to mourn for half the time i was with someone? (do i have to wear black? I kinda already went through that phase and have sold my shares in emo stock) I have no problem with Ben & Jerry but Im pretty sure their products have a problem with me. Can I sub a pint of beer for the pint of Chunky Monkey? Don't get me started on music choices. Mine are absurd anyway and Im pretty sure Disturbed and Rob Zombie aren't on the "How to get over a broken relationship in 10 days or less" list (they should be though. Angry guy music is so waay cooler than angry chick music) . 
So once you do what all the experts tell you, (I use the term experts loosely b/c im pretty sure Cosmo mag is the unfortunate authority on this....) you are cured right? No lingering sniffles or puffy unmanageable red eyes? Side effects not limited to but including death, have been avoided? That depends entirely on the person(and day)....damn it. There is no set list or rules to follow. Follow your own...Have 158 rebounds if you want. Eat or drink 10 pints a day. If it takes you six years to get over it then fine (well, that one may need some work) Be happy is the point. 
And that neatly brings me to the next point...
So once you are happy, be it in another relationship or your 15th "experiment" (and have exhausted your supply of both pints and angry music), when is it too soon to talk? When is it time to stop feeling bad and apologizing? NOW! You can't control peoples thoughts or what they post on facebook. IM SORRY this hurts you, more sorry then I can say. I have cried all the tears I have and am tired of looking like Rudolf before christmas! That is not my Halloween costume dammit! The one thing you want from me is the one thing I cannot give. You already have a piece of me that no one else ever will! Is that not enough for now? Here, have some pints....i hear they work wonders. Im tired. Tired of being the bad guy (also not my Halloween costume), tired of tip toeing (have you seen these size 11's? its like a tiger wearing roller-skates to catch prey...doesn't work) around and watching what I say, and how I say and, when I say. I have to be done. Im done.

So I hear the sixties were good times....

So....where to start....at the beginning is usually the best place, right?

First of all, I have had a couple of interesting weeks. Between work and play, I have reverted (socially and mentally) to my highschool years. Those of you who knew me then have an idea of what I am talking about. Those new friends that don't....let me just say that I was not the most, uh, pure (wrong word), uh, hard to get (man, that sounds even worse) uh, let's just say I gave flirting and teasing new definition (there, that sums up nothing!) Anyway, I have( to say the least) enjoyed the deterioration of my current psyche to the max. Now to the point of this exercise. I have been talking to a certain gentleman. I say gentleman b/c not only is he one, but he is also a sexy older male (this is the point in the blog where everyone turns their head and goes "ewww!) At just one year shy of double my age, we share none of the same interests (with the exception of flirting), has a completly different viewpoint on life (well, duh right?) and has a job that takes him out of town (i have been down that road before....not really the roadie type). Other than that there is just something about this guy that has me hooked right now. Im really trying hard to decide what to do!

Anyone got any ideas????

3 pts for a rebound, right???

So after a month long illness, the fog in by brain has cleared, the texting callus' on my thumbs have healed and, most importantly I have come away unscathed and with a better idea of what i need out of a man (not boy, did ya'll know there was a difference?). 

So back to the goods....

Again, your profile pic is the first thing I see. Be aware of the creep factor...

Guy in the pool. You are not Michael Phelps...You have unfortuantely managed to make me think of that creepy movie Nieve Campbell was in where she killed people. Not sexy

While honesty is the best policy, telling me your stepmother has to go to jail for a couple of months is not the best way to start a conversation. 

Cussing me out b/c i didn't want to talk to you is frankly rude and a huge turnoff. I guess I am weird that way. Desperate much? 

Telling me you miss me after talking twice through email is not only creepy but it makes you sound like a loser. Saying hi and how are you is not the love connection I am looking for

Asking me where I would most like to make love, then telling me yours is in the back of your truck (mattress included, oh yeah, he went there) sounds more like I should get paid for my time with you. Which I could be ok with, just let me know. (What is it with these guys and the back of their vechicles? Are we in highschool? Do I look like that type of lady?)

No, I don't want to be facebook friends, I think it is weird that you would even ask. Can we just go the old fashioned route and "miss" each others phone calls and texts?

Again, your profile name is also very important. 69maneater. I'm sure describes your personality perfectly but now i think you are gay. Good luck on your search sir. 

Back to the old drawing board. Or keyboard I guess in this instance!

Crazy Asshole for $500, Alex

Ya'll remember that super fun and exciting, usually 2 week long,  honeymoon period in the beginning of a relationship where everything is fuzzy and warm? Where he might snore like your dad and grandpa combined, but you think it is cute. Or the fact that he doesn't remember you told him your schedule just means he is busy? Even that tickling warning in your stomach means you are nervous, right? 

WRONG

Ladies and gents, I promise not to turn this into a bio lesson or even a religion discussion but god gave us intuition and stomachs for a reason. Pay attention to the warning signs.

Let me break it down for you...


I blogged a month ago about a guy that I met. Good time, great taste. Just a couple of things though. When we first started talking he warned me about two things. 1) "Oh, by the way, I'm bipolar. Is that going to be a problem?" (When you say bipolar...)  2) "Baby, I know how to play the game"( I call the green piece!)  I didn't take him serious at first,( it is like me telling someone I'm shy, no one believes me until they see me at a party where im not drunk) thinking that he was just sayin' (you know like, "im just sayin' I have 21 toes"). Pretty sure he was serious. In the past month he has played me and been bipolar about it. Not play in a hurtful way, just in a "your moods are giving me whiplash" kind of way. First example: (in this scenario i play the heroine  who is confused, we will call  me....well, me) (he is just blank because weird emotionally bipolar guy is just too long to write everytime)
"Im getting a new number"
me: "oook..."
"it's not ok"
me: "why?"
"cause i like you"
me;"so I am the reason for the new number?"
"no"
me: "then I don't understand"
"i miss you"
me: "so why are you getting a new number?"
'im not, lol"

Really??? Then here recently are the times where he will just stop talking when I ask him a question, or ask stupid things, or my personal favorite, example number two: (same abbreviations as last time) 
"you get f**ked?" (please don't ask me to explain this one...i just can't, and in my mind it gets better so please read on)
me: "uh...no"
"ok"
me: "I did have some friends over and got tipsy (again...please don't ask me to explain)
"lol"
"cool"
me: "i know, right?"
"yea, later"
me: "wha?"
"yea later, peace adios"


Really??? I  know what later means, but thanks for being a dick about it. 


Now boys and girls, I got strong for about a day and a half. I ignored texts saturday AND sunday. Today I answered back. Am I sick? Here lately I have been attracted to some serious assholes....and what is this game he is playing? Give a little and take away right quick? I didn't realize that I had so much in common with my kitten (balls of string are fun!) 
Be proud of me though. 
"hey"
me: "hey"
"it's about damn time"
me: "is that supposed to make me want to talk to you?"
"ok, whatever"


YEAH! TAKE THAT! YOU HAVEN'T MET THIS BITCH YET! GUESS WHAT? I'M BIPOLAR TOO!

Three's A Crowd Part 2

Quick recap...


Eager to please his girlfriend of a year and a half, Don Juan is looking for an eager female, willing to please a potential boyfriend. Enter me. I am eager, female and willing to please but unfortunately for our hero, not in the way he wants.


So if the written portion of the evening wasn't enough to warn me and others away...

He asks me to video chat. Now ya'll remember part one of this epic? My rules for video chatting?

I click accept. 


I take a deep breath and brace myself for, like, Quasimoto's half elf brother to pop up on my screen. I open my eyes and there on the computer is a, well, hottie! Kinda nerdy lookin', fashionable black thick rimmed glasses, longish hair and complete with a flavor saver!  Ooo la la! Lucky me, huh? We grin stupidly at each other for a minute and I look down because I need a quick shot of liquid courage (and I'm pretty sure my voice won't work!). I look back up and he is typing something out. I lean down to read the text only to find out that he has asked to see my boobs! I look back up to his face and shake my head no because shouting has never solved anything. "How bout just one boob?"
Someone should teach this guy how to bargain. Ask for the least amt first then go for the gold... 
I shake my head no again and he laughs like he expected that answer. He begins to type something out and I notice it is slow going for him. He types for a bit, looks down, looks at me, put his hand in his lap, moves his hand down, back up, down, back up, types then waits for my response


This would be a good time to remember the rules...i didn't


I ask him if it is hard for him to type like that. "yes, does it bother you, what I am doing?"


I wait a minute....look down, then up, then down, then up and reply "No, but could you turn your sound up a bit"......

And the winner is...

Much like ADD we all have a bit of poet in us....and Im really happy that you have found your muse but please, please don't throw away all your cool points on the second conversation...I know I asked what kind of poetry you write...I know...

If you want to be the owner of a company one day...please learn how to spell...no one is just going to hand over their money because of your "good looks and charm"

Telling me that you love big girls with a lot of extra pounds does not make me want to "hook up"

Asking me if I have had sex lately is not the way into this lady's heart...or pants

Please realize that your profile name is the first thing I see...

So when you put your profile pic up...please look at it before you post it...upside down photos make my neck hurt, your best side is not the one that is flipping the bird on the camera, and please don't hump anything...

Informing me that any additional info will have to be exchanged in person makes me think that you are a bill collector or a witness of some sort...i have just decided im not intrested...imagine that.

Two's company, Three's a crowd!!! PT 1

Some things are in fact better said in text, such as..."thanks for the compliment but im afraid you totally freak me out". Or, "wow, only 15 kids?" In turn some things are better said in person. The words yes, more, right, there, please and yay come to mind....

Ya'll know how i feel about the video chat...weird and potentially horrifying are two emotions that come to mind. Two things need to happen if we are going to video chat.

1) Please be aware that if you don't have a profile pic, i may actually scream upon gazing at your ugly visage for the very first time. Please don't be offended...it is just a natural fight or flight response. 

2) Remember lessons learned in driving school. Yes, driving school. Your hands must be at 10 and 2 the ENTIRE time. I was born at night, but not last night. I can tell that you aren't sewing, feeding your cat or using the remote. I can also hear...


All this being said, I video chatted the other night.

I will set the scene.... it was a dark and stormy night-sorry wrong story. Well it was dark, we are in alabama so it might have been stormy...anyway 

8ish, Im watching a movie and playing on the internets, when i get a message from a potential candiate. He uses the usual "hey" as his opening line and I respond accordingly and  take the predictable pause in conversation to check out his profile. Surprisingly there is no profile picture (there is nothing quite like a gee duh moment, huh?). Seems like a normal enough fella until I get to his description of himself. First of all he cusses out the entire population of girls on the online dating community for not responding to his emails or instant message requests. He goes on to tell us that "we" are the biggest bitches and that effin common curtesy should have been taught to us at birth. He just wants to talk for christsakes. Five hos were thrown in, four more bitches, three F u's, two "I can't believes" and a partridge in a pear tree, all in all rounding out a very colorful profile (what girl would not want to talk to this guy?) To top it all off? He and his GIRLFRIEND are looking for a girl to make a playdate with. I message him letting him know that i have read through his profile. He gives no explanation and goes straight for the million dollar question. "You intrested?"  I smile and thank god for predicitability and relpy "No, I failed sharing in kindergarden." He lol's my wit and asks if i am sure. Can you be 1000% sure of anything these days? I tell him yes and sorry ( sorry for being grossed out) and say that if he was up for it than i would totally talk to him for a bit. We talked for a bit and I found out that he and his girl have been together for 1.5 years and that she had tried it before with a previous boyfriend but was sure she would love it much more with him. Two sidenotes here:

1) only a year and a half? really? isn't it a bit early to be exploring the seedier sides of your personalities? Aren't you still in that honeymoon, can't imagine sleeping with someone else, much less call out their name, stage?
2) Maybe the problem wasn't her previous boyfriend? She might like girls. Someone should tell her it is ok


Back to the subject at hand....so we keep talking and he asks what i am doing and if i would like to come over. To his complete amazment, I tell him no. I just opened a beer and am pretty content at home. I ask to see a pic b/c at this point i just have to know what this couple looks like. He tells me that he has no problem sending a pic of himself but that he is uneasy about putting his girl on the internet (but, whoring her out on the internet is ok?). He asks me again if I want to come over b/c he has beer as well. I ask if the girlfriend is at home. Now, as crazy as it would be to be sitting on the couch with the two of them (shudder) I can't imagine sitting on the couch with just him when she gets home. He then wants to know if I am sure about not joining the two of them for fun. I say no and he responds with "Well, if it was just me would you want to hook up?" 
"What about your girlfriend?"
"She could watch"  (HELL TO THE NO)
"Uh, that doesn't sound very fun for her!"
"Oh, it would be"
"Yeah, how so?"  (STUPID, STUPID QUESTION)
"Well, after I f*** you, I get to have her" (she would take used goods? how very green of her)

First Time for Everything!!!!

Nervous twitch in left eye ticking away? Check

Butterflies in stomach flying against a hurricane? Check

Emotions going riot between terrified and elated? Check

Hearing texts or calls even though the phone is in your hand and you just looked at it one second ago? Check

Discussing potential outfits and what says cool yet sexy yet sophisticated yet fun and appropriate to wear in the July heat? Check

Self doubt tearing a hole through your ego? Double check

So after all that fun....

I took the plunge guys!  I officially met someone i "met" on the online dating community! I will not bore ya'll with the juicy details but just wanted to let everyone know that I am alive and that he did not "woo" me with any atrocious pick up lines, he drove a regular car not a green murder van and, aside from a super itchy bug bite on the back of my right leg, it was a pretty decent first date!!! Who knew???

Side note to Michael, Jeremy, Sean and Adele.... Thanks for all the support..you know what you did! LOL!!!

Random thoughts and fun quotes...

So what is it about seeing someone in person that makes them instantly trustworthy? I don't know about ya'll but I don't possess Sauron's all seeing eye, or Yoda's jedi powers, or even a third eye stuck somewhere interesting... so what is it about seeing that is believing?  "Oh, you part your hair the same way my grandfather did, there is no way you will kill me and harvest my kidneys for new Nikes(people still do that for Nikes, right?)". Right. See any green murder vans lately? I  told a customer that I HAVE NEVER MET BEFORE today how much my rent is and where excatly i live (like down to the directions to my unmentionables). The guy that i have been talking to online for a week? Yeah, wouldn't even tell him the company I worked for much less what foot I start off walking with. What finger I use to push the button down on the pepper spray? Definitely. 

To guy from England...dude check a map...I'm so not two hours away from you. Oh, and please stop calling me honey, sweetie, baby and sugar. Also, learn to write an effin proper sentence..didn't you take lessons from Mary Poppins or Nanny McPhee??? One last thing...we do not have a "connection".

"I want to be your distraction" (oh, im distracted)

"I can be your distraction, lets hang out, I'm in a hotel in oneonta" (Ooo romantic capital of the South?)

"I'm gonna dick you down" (do you talk to your mama with that mouth?)

"I hate fireworks and  beer" (we can't even be friends dude)

"I will play on the playground at night with you" (not an euphemism...i really do play on the playground after dark)

"Your HOT! Way to hot not to be texin me! xxx-xxxx" ( thanks for the compliment but how do you know I'm from Texas?)

"What if the distraction was over nine inches?" (I wouldn't touch that with a 9in pole)

Proper First conversation topics and age limits do apply

So first conversations are always the hardest. Do you ask how they are or what their sign is (people still ask that, right?), how is the weather is always a good one (if and only if, not interested is the answer you want) or, maybe you tell a joke (that might actually get my attention. write that one down), my favorite so far has been any variation of "hey gorgeous (gets me every time), wow you have beautiful eyes (heck yes, and they are mine!), is that a Guinness you are holding (profile pic), or a simple hi. So, after the awkward one liners or equally awkward (and terrible) pick-up lines, you make it to second base-I mean the second hardest conversation. "Oh crap, I have already asked her about the weather, what is next?" So when I ask you how your day was, I'm not really asking how your day was. I really don't care. I am trying as hard as you to not ask those awkward and dumb questions. Please though, respond with something positive. A lie would be ok here. Please don't tell me you had a crappy day. Then you involve me in your crappy day. Also, this would not be the best time for you to tell me about how your ex broke up with you. I have baggage of my own that I'm checkin' please don't take all the space on the luggage cart. A word of advice to those of you that are not as confident in your certain areas, don't use this second conversation to ask me if you think you are big enough, and why girls in the past have not liked you.

This brings me to the second (i love it when there is a rhythm and flow, don't you) point in today's discussion. Age.

Now, while the online community accepts people of all walks of life and degree of creepiness, it does not practice ageism. I say, good for them but...

 If you are above the age of 25, I understand why you are online dating. I am 28 myself so I get it. We are too busy with life, too old for the bar scene unless it is trivia night, too tight with our money unless it is happy hour and too tired to troll the scene ("you mean i have to bathe AND get dressed? Forget it") That being said, if you are the tender age of 25 or below, aren't you into that kind of thing? Isn't your M.O, like getting trashed and picking up "hot chicks" every weekend? That is what I did! Minus of course the hot chicks...usually it was a #10 at McDonalds (wait for it...it will make sense), which is the chicken nuggets (got it?) after a too long night at the plaza! I digress...so what are you doing on a dating site? Some, Im sure have a confidence problem like the poor kid from above. This guy...So he messages me one night. Asks all the  usual questions (weather, sign, how is the day...) and then quits talking. The next night he messages again. We talk some more (more of the same, i should say) and then he asks me for my phone number. I give it to him and he immediately texts me a picture of himself (he wanted to send a X rated one, I told him to calm down)(following the pic were some half hearted attempts at sexting. Ahhh the mind of a 22). He then asks me what number the message  came from. I read the number back and asked why (fair question, right?). He replies that the number he text from is actually his mom's cell phone and the other is the house phone (which i was welcome to call anytime...)!!!! I told him that i thought it was disrespectful of him to be using his mom's cell to send inappropriate pictures and messages, to which he replied that "she didn't care what he did as long as she doesn't get calls at work, when she goes to bed I do what i wont (oh yeah he is a speller too).He followed up with asking if I would ever come see him. I'm pretty sure I didn't reply."Our next case is shorter and way less depressing! Im online one night and a name pops up on my i.m asking if i want to chat. I reply yes and see the profile of a 22 year old. He says hey, i say hey. He then asks me if I was in need of a younger man to "give it to me". I said "younger? I'm only 6 yrs older than you, I might be too young for what you are looking for!" He didn't reply back. Oh well, I guess Im ok with not being the topic of 5th period lunch...

"So I creep...yeeah...."

.Sunday afternoon:

(M is for Megann, Megs or Me...whatever you say in your head is fine with me, megann or megs)

(C.M.W.M.W.S is for Creepy Man who Wants to  Murder me and Wear my Skin)

C: Why don't we just meet on tuesday and fun some fun (should have known then right)

M: I still don't know what  you look like. What if I end up talking to another complete stranger?

C: Im the guy in the green dodge minivan (oh man...the murder van?) 

M: oh...

C: it also has seats that fold down and make a queen sized bed...just saying...lol (not lol!!! thats an OMG statement!)

C:....did you get my email? (yes..i know...stupid of me...)

M: just did.....

Ladies and gents...moral of the story is....dont say yes to chat with people without profile pics...there is a reason they didn't put one up....

Hey, I like your shoes. Wanna go....

And other amazing pick up lines and one liners...

Wiping the tears of joy-sorry, sorrow from my eyes after getting no response from wont/won't ( I never know which to use!), I pick up the pieces and log on again.
        Let me set the stage for everyone. Friday night, me and jack hanging out (Xena too), fresh pack of gum waiting to be chewed (that is not an euphemism, i really did have an unopened pack of gum waiting to be chewed, though I will remember that line...) im wearing (just setting up the scene) comfy shorts and probably my muggle crew t-shirt my hair is a mess and i have taken out my contacts...(too much?) Anyway, its a Friday night...I take a gulp of social lubrication and sign on. I have a couple of emails from some new bachelors and I take a breath and click on the first one. 

Email # 1 "You mild or wild?" (well, I do like my wings mild, I like mild salsa, though i am experiencing  a wild case of the heebee jeebees right now though...)


Email # 2 "Want me to be your distraction?" (from your horrible pick-up line? yes)


Email # 3 "What do you look for sexually in a man?" (the usual things i guess, do you have all the right parts, is the first thing that comes to mind)


Email # 4 "...I got some beer chilling, just watching tv. I could meet you at gas station right here. Not a psycho. lol (oh, you aren't? thats too bad cause im totally into that...)


Email # 5 "...So what's your cup size?" (i like big cups...they hold more to drink...speaking of I might need a refill)


Email # 6 "....im very openminded though it mite (yes that is how it was spelled) scare you. (ok, im intrigued...) I have a fetish (so....) I like for girls to dress up nice in hose and cute panties and a dress (seriously? that's it? wow...you might be too mild (hahaha) for me)...so what kind of hose do you like to wear" (ahhh...would this be the part where I tell him that i sent all my hose to the war effort? Do we still do that? )


ok last one, i swear...


Email # 7 "what i got to do to get to know you babygirl" (lots of things...for one proper english is a HUGE turn on on for me...)
   

"I like it when they call me big poppa"

So after "A" day of terror (anyone get that reference?) I was a little put out (not directly to the pasture but I could see the lifeless gray hills of cat lady heaven). Feeling my years (DQ = drama queen) and like I had made one huge mistake I, with lead fingers and heart, log back on. The messages from the day before were still up, mocking me with their unsportsmanlike conduct and I avert my eyes and quickly scroll down the page where it says "You have two new messages" (yay). Rolling my eyes from behind my head I look down and see...what is this...a non football profile name...hunting and fishing NOT included??? TOUCHDOWN (sorry had to). Grinning like a school girl with her first Johnny Depp crush (still am that girl by the way) I sit up straighter and confidently click on contestant #1. This lucky bachelor's message reads: "hi megs (uh, familiar much?) how do you feel about sexy older men?"  Now, two questions instantly sprang to mind "Just how old are we talking and just how sexy (i can forgive and forget alot!)"? One double click later and I was given those two answers.

I would like to preface these next comments to "sexy older men" everywhere.

No offense intended, for you have put in a lot (and I mean a lot) of years on this planet. I am sure in your real life you are a respected and fun loving member of the senior community and, that they love you (and your senior discount) at the mickey d's. God bless you for getting out there and trying something new and learning how to use the internet, much less the emoticons you followed your next statement with. Things have not changed in the 50 million years since you invented "dating" so you should know that if a girl doesn't answer the first time, please don't follow up with an email that asks if I enjoy spankings.

I.Might.But.Not.From.You. xoxox Megann

nuff said.

First one down...second time with feeling, right?

Losing a bit of the Johnny Depp grin, I proceed to click on contestant #2 

His message read: "Hey Beautiful (hey, that's me!) u wont (wait a minute and just sound out that word real slow and southern like) to chat?" 

Ok, so aside from the fact that he is neither a speller (nor am I) or grammatical genius (nor am i), he is kinda cute (in a wont instead of want way) and I message him back. We went back and forth with the usual chit awkward chat for a couple of hours when I received this gem of an email "jus woke up my self (dramatic pause between my and self, did you feel it?) i 2 (?) had a long day sweetie (personal familiarity space please) so what do u won't (his mind must know it is the wrong way to spell it b/c he added the right punctuation!) to know about me sweetie (10 minutes between endearments, please) i am an open book =)"  (i bet you are...one big blank open book)

Now, now as if this wasn't enough...i ask him hobbies and what his favorite things to do are. Answers include but are not limited to...country music but he is also a little bit rap, fishin, huntin, and muddin, (he forgot poet, guess cause it didn't rhyme with the rest)and,he almost forgot to tell me,(oh so glad he didn't) he says that he loves to work out and can bench 300 lbs and leg lift 500 lbs. (watch out ladies...this one is mine). 

Ya'll don't hate me b/c i kept on talking to him, Im new at this and if this was going to be the best, well then I was going to find the best in it...(there is a best right???)

There isn't. Unfortunately for me, he lost intrest after a couple more emails... darn it...

 

Match made...in heaven or in alabama football hell?

Invasive questionnaire filled out to our specifications? Check
The only pic you have where you look half way decent, uploaded? Check
Humble yet sassy yet sweet yet personal yet funny yet not too funny yet intresting description of your dreams, wants, needs, likes, dislikes,goals,height, weight, ethnicity, habits, feeding times, how much you breathe, intelligence level and blood type filled out? Uh, check?

CONGRATULATIONS! GET READY TO MEET YOUR MATCHES!
wait! im not ready...


Within the first hour of offically becoming a member of the online dating community I had about 5 "matches". All of which either had bama, rolltide, al, bam, or some other form of AL football refrence. The few who didn't (aww, were all the good names taken?) either had Bama shirts, shoes, socks, shorts, hats and cufflinks, (bet ya'll didn't know they even made those, huh?) The other few who didn't have all that on (not a true bama fan i bet) had their pictures taken actually at the home of the crimson tide...(save me). So you can imagine my soul crushing disappointment! What about my picture (i have short sassy hair damit) or my profile (was it the "not a speller comment?) that made any of these guys think that they were the one for me??? Yes, i realize that i live in AL. Yes, i realize that my former boyfriend looks just like a certain AL football star. Yes, i realize they have 13 national championships...got it, don't care. So not wanting to heedlessly cast any potential mate or lover(sorry mom) out i checked out their intrests. Can anyone guess what the top 3 were? If you didn't guess AL football, hunting and fishing then god bless you for having faith in your fellow AL fans.  Needless to say i went to bed a bit disappointed that night, sure that i would never find anyone (maybe I should have included drama queen in my description). 
        Waking up the next day i was a little hesitant about checking this thing again. Who could it be next? Come to find out, while i was sleeping the sleep of the "oh man, why did i sign up for this, why oh why", guys with interests outside of football had gotten on!   

Intrests include but are not limited to...

So after the picture and the amazing description I gave, you are asked a series of questions like "do you smoke" (have you met me?) "do you want kids" (wow, down to the nitty gritty already) do you have a car (what made them even ask that???) religion (yeah i can kinda see why they would ask) and the big one (nothing like a pun) body type (ahh man! really? do i hafta???) do you do drugs (now i want to know who else is monitoring this sight...hello big brother!) and then the usual, ethnicity, job and degree of education (ooo i know the answers to all of those!!) 
The next big question is what you are looking for. Now this loaded question opens up all kind of responses. Thankfully they give you the answers (casual,intimate encounter (ooolala), long term relationship short term etc), you just choose the right one for you! Again though that is where the potential for trouble comes in. My choice was "wants to date, but nothing serious" (they are THAT specific!) You would think that would help but you have to have some idea as to what you are even doing on that site. I don't. (indecision is fun, right?) I have been on this site now for a full week and I have talked to (if I may pat myself on the back) like a million different guys (not really, like 15 or so...) and I have yet to want to meet any of them. Not that they don't sound intresting (not you sir who is looking for a "friend" for you and your wife to hang out with. His wife is also on the site...at least they believe in teamwork. Or you sir who kept asking me to video chat so i could watch you...ahem...Or you 22 yr old CHILD who wants an older woman (AM I OLDER???) to have fun with.) 

Yeah...this might take some time!

Profile: Do's and DON'TS!!!

When you meet someone in the "real world", tone and inflection, the way you smile or frown or that nervous tick in your right eye, gives clues about your personality. Not so in the online dating game. When you first sign on to the site you do the usual, name, birth date, exact  placement of freckles and my personal favorite, type this weird series of letters into this box so we can determine you are not a robot... After that  it becomes a bit more personal. There is a personality and chemistry quiz (I love quizzes!)  that should determine your personal preferences (as if you already didn't know) (oddly enough in my case i don't) and what you are looking for in a lover/mate/husband/ pool boy. You pick through a series of choices such as: hang-out, casual dating, relationship and other...other??? You then are urged to put up a picture of yourself ("the chances of you being matched are 230% greater with a picture") and you have to write a description of yourself. ugh on both accounts! First of all I am the picture taker not generally the takee...So there is a dearth of photos of myself on my computer. Also i have been doing a bit of work on the ole' body (purely sweat and tears not cosmetic) and so a lot of the pictures I have are not current. Anyway I picked out the most current and "attractive pic I have and posted that bad boy up there. whew first hurtle overcome! Next came the description of myself. Now I am a huge fan of me. I like talking about myself but writing is a completely different thing! (see first part of this blog) How does one come off humble yet confident, sassy but sweet and cool enough to party but not cool enough to party like that, at the same time and  in 100 words? Since this is fun sharing time I am going to share with ya'll what I wrote for my description and then dissect it for you! 

simple gal looking to meet some new people. interests include but are not limited to reading, drinking, cooking and playing on the playground after dark. doesn't use upper case very often because i think it limits my creative spark. not a speller. ready to roll with all and any punches...figuratively or literally.

There it is...now we will start at the beginning: Simple gal (humble, yes?) looking to meet some new people (totally true) interests include but are not limited to reading (duh), drinking (one of the questions they ask is how often you drink. my answer was occasionally which apparently equals more than 3 times a week)  cooking( barefoot, no)  and playing on the playground after dark. doesn't use upper case very often b.c i think it limits my creative spark.(this is also very true) not a speller (everyone knows that). ready to roll with all and any punches...figuratively or literally. 

Ok, so, to me, that is a great profile. Ya'll know me though and you know my sense of humor...so this, in hindsight, may have not been the best description. Probably should have stuck to the formula which was: describe what type of music you like (whatevs) describe what you like to do in your spare time (did that one!!!), what you are looking for out of life (i said something about creative spark, right? im creative) and other things that i didn't pay attention to b/c i though they were too boring.  

        Lesson learned though...the last line, the true gem outta that whole shabang..."Ready to roll with..." yeah that got me a message from, im sure a total gentleman in "real life", asking how i felt about spankings. The drinking part of the description (plus the fact that I have a beer in my profile pic) got me a message about if im an alcoholic... 

First things first cont'

Now, I want to start out by saying that I am in no way "dissing" or attempting to turn people away from the joys of online dating (afterall, what healthy 28 year old would not be pleased by offers of spankings from a self professed "sexy older man"?). I know of a couple of couples (really?) that have found true happiness due to this new fangled way to mingle and meet without the bother of a smoky bar or expensive restaurant!  This blog is my own personal, skewed view of the dating practices that have come about while I was entrenched in my own coupledom. When I was growing up the internet was a scary place where talking to strangers was tantamount to inviting a vampire into your home. You didn't enter into chat rooms (ya'll remember those?) without knowing someone, you didn't impersonate anyone and you certainly did not meet them! Apparently all that has changed! I guess there were some classes in highschool I missed on online communication and you in the 21st century. All that being said I am looking forward to meeting new people and am definitely not missing the smoky bars and expensive restaurants!

First things First

So after one fun filled breakup after another, my boyfriend and I of NINE years split for good (fingers crossed). After a month or two of near consistent hangovers, cry fests and copious trips to the buffet, I got a cat. After pondering just how old and how many cats one would have to have to be in the cat lady club I decided a change was in order. Feeling too old and too poor to do the traditional mating game, a friend of mine talked me into joining the online dating community (proudly serving 4 million people and counting...)

This blog is dedicated to the trials and tribulations of my online dating experience. As it has been only four days since I started this venture, I only have the barest hint of what is to come! Hopefully I will be able to resist jumping at the first male to actually have a shirt on in his profile picture!

Wish me luck and check  back because it is sure to be entertaining!