What is that smell???

Man oh man. I am having one of those days! No, not a good hair day. No, not a bad hair day. No, not THAT kind of day! You ever have one of those days where no matter how much perfume or bathing (not that i have or anything) you do the only thing people smell are you pheromones? I am sending off some serious signals today and don't mean to! And why is my spit only on some peoples boots? Oh no, is my body telling me that 6 ft, gangle monkey guy with the coke bottle glasses on is my type for perfect breeding? Impossible! How come 6 ft jock doesn't fit the bill? I think we would rub along very well together! Biologically speaking gangle monkey guy wouldn't work. I wear glasses already and have no fashion sense. Mating with the same would cause some serious repercussions in the animal kingdom. I will not be responsible for the downfall of the human race. Im taking environmental science this semester. Trust me, I know what I am talking about! 

Here's your change

Man, I hate to make decisive statments. Inevitably 5 minutes pass and I am wondering if my Star Trek mentality of "boldly going where no one has gone before", just might only work for Captin Jean Luc Picard. Its like saying "I hate air", taking a couple of breaths and realizing that there are 15 possible alternative outcomes (one of which being living) that I never thought of before. 
So how does one step back from the brink of respectability? How to take back those 'I hate it when' and ' Don't put that on my salad, it's gross'? Is it easily fixed with another conversation where I start off with : "Hey...you remember that talk we had a month ago where I was all like, ' That and this and no, don't put that there?' Yeah....I'm going to need you to delete that from your brain and download this instead. Don't permanently save it cause I hear version 2.0 is coming out soon. No, I don't know why. Too many players on the field?" Oops. Wrong refrence, but you get where my mind is going. Maybe indecision is the spice of life instead of variety? Nope. I know what it is. Indecision is the gate way drug to the variety train headed towards addiction. Watch out decision makers, bad dye jobs and splotchy cover-ups next stop. I am having the sinking feeling that I am coming off flaky (not full shed yet, but im a scratching on the rocks). I would like to assure you (but mostly myself) that I am mostly sane 72% of the time. The other 28% is a cotton polyester blend that some find scratchy but I enjoy cause I think it makes my butt look firm. I told a friend today that I am going through some mental growth spurts right now but that all in all, things are looking up. If I can just wrangle my brain and mouth to be on the same wavelength, all those publishers clearing house apps i filled out might  just come to fruition! Hurry up Ed McMahon, mama needs a new life! 
 

I am woman, hear me roar?

Well, ya'll. it has been a cr-a-zy year! I have been with someone long enough that I am starting to use their catch phrases! Isn't that the weirdest feeling? You open your  mouth to say something, it comes out tasting funny and then you realize not only were you not the first to say it but you said it with their voice and inflection. Or even worse, when they say something that you have been saying for years (ex. You: "something smells good." Them: "I farted." You in your head : "dammit! really?") and now you can't use it for fear that they will think you a copycat. You try to interject it into conversation with them but are hyper aware that they will know what you are doing and smile knowingly (i love a good patronizing pat on the knee it really hammers the point home). I have smuggled deodorant and a toothbrush into the bathroom, a myriad of spices I can't personally eat without into the kitchen (salt for one) and have "accidentally" left numerous hair accessories just "lying" around (not artfully placed or anything) marking my territory. Trust me ladies, it is a lot easier than peeing on everything.We blew through the first fight, drunk. I called my best friend to come pick me up, sure I would never see him again. She took me back after I accused her of kidnapping me. Slept on the couch. Moved all  my stuff (left a trail of  hair accessories to the door, hoping he would divine the haste in which i left) out that morning. Called my friends. Freaked out that he would divine the special meaning behind the Hansel and Gretel hairpull move. Didn't call him though. Not that day anyway. You have to give these things time to marinate. I called the next day, fearful that I maybe had gone too far in my demonstration and now instead of talking about it over dinner I would have to do damage control at lunch. Long story short, while I overreacted in my head and to my poor friends, he is mostly blissfully ignorant of the inner workings of the female mind (and to the trail of dejected hairpulls) and I was able to talk without any mishap or tears! Whew. First fight done and smooth ish sailing from  here! 

p.s every time i tried to type first it came out fist fight. No one should hit anyone. Choking is ok though. 

The use of the Royal "We"

ooops, i did it again. used a future tense of a word in a sentence talking about us. wait, can i use the word us? I took  a class in highschool that taught me how to use "I" statements instead of "You" statements. I wish instead the class had been on what not to say when you are trying to say what you want to say....that made sense, right? A class everyone would benefit from I do believe! What is it with the male of the species that makes them so frightened of future tense (next week or the scary beyond) statements or 1st person pronouns like we, our, ours, us? Simple answer from a good friend of mine: "Megann, boys are programmed to fear words like future and us. When they hear them it makes them realize that they have not spread their seed far and wide enough...Girls on the other hand are programmed to hear those same words and say to themselves 'he loves me and wants me around'. In essence, boys are stupid, and that is usually the answer you need to tell yourself"
I like it. It makes sense.

Call me crazy but....

Don't you hate it? That little voice in your head that keeps mulling over the subtle nuance of EVERY word your new boyfriend of 2.5 days has said. That tiny nagging voice (the one that sounds like you except for the twinge of mass hysteria you can just barely hear) that turns the generally even keeled, pass to the left, devil may care, " i got my cool points, where are yours", person you normally are into a uneven, haven't had my V8, lost my high heels in a dice game, "oh no she didn't", ho-beast that even the Hulk would be frightend to tangle with. 

Why does this happen? Is this a side effect of all the dopamine your love starved body is releasing? Why isn't science helping these poor men who have to deal with the " oh well do you remember last week when you said" or " oh shut up, i didn't stab you that hard" or the absolute worse one " i'm fine, don 't worry about it". Better question. Why isn't science helping us overcome that insane urge to question, wonder, worry, stab, freak out, or deflect? Where is my pill, taken orally 3 times daily or when these feelings of craziness (we'll start calling them insecurities) occur, to take it all away? Do not tell me it is chocolate. My thighs cannot take it. There has to be some sort of remedy that does not involve me feeling worse afterwards! I need some sort of calming after effect like a room spray that, when the insecurities (aka craziness) start to come forth, i put down the gun-i mean cell phone and start to act like the rational person i am, 99% of the time. Does Mr. Clean make that? Is it in the feminine aisle at the CVS or is it prescription only? More importantly, does my insurance cover it because I have been real crazy-oops- insecure lately.

Awww honey, you shouldn't have....no really

Ahh the holiday season is upon us....no really, it's like, on Saturday!  As the season for giving draws to a close, we've trimmed and re-trimmed the tree (mainly just the lights b/c they are never right the first damn time), we have baked and sampled more than our fair share of cookies and other delightful goodies( that you  tell yourself it is ok to eat b/c it is the holidays and not just a regular ole' tuesday) and, last but not least, we have bought those gifts for the special people in our lives (or the ones that unexpectedly bought us gifts and now I have to find the nearest CVS for the quintessential oh shit gift, a box of Russell Stover chocolates). Naturally, as a woman, I am an excellent listener and pick up on all the things people don't say. So gift giving (for me) is generally pretty easy (plus,it is a great martyr tactic "oh I would love to go out for drinks but I just bought my parents this really awesome tv, yeah I know, I'm great) so anyway it's the thought that counts, right? Eh? If the thought is right then yes. I know, I know what a horrible thing to think and say. You are right. It is. Think of it this way though, yes, it was sweet that you bought me a blow up can-opener. I get the pun, I have a cooking show. Oooo you renewed my fishing license? Wow, that may be the gift that keeps giving. No honey, a toilet seat warmer does not sound like just the thing for me....go ahead and buy it for yourself and maybe I can borrow it? I'm just saying that there has to be thought for the thought to count. So in the small amount of time left for gift buying, really listen and find out what they really want. 

A PONY!!!!!!!!

To "DA" or not to "PDA"? That is the question

PDA. The best source of gossip fodder out there. How else would we know that Sally and Jesse are "together" unless we saw them in the lunchroom making out? We could just take Sally's word for it, but she has had a crush on Jesse since like, third grade. Her viewpoint is kinda one sided. Besides, nothing starts off a conversation better than "OMG you would not believe what I just saw!". Also, think of your attractiveness and popularity. Those go waay up when something juicy is on the line. but really? The lunchroom? Why not be like every other horny teenager and just make out in the stariwell behind Mrs. Carters class (couldn't have been just me....it was a good spot) There is something just amazingly gross about seeing two people in the theros of hormonal rage- oops passion. I get it. In the beginning (or 3 years into....) of a relationship you kinda Hulk out and all the passion and love and spit you have been saving since you saw the Notebook just comes out and won't be denied. Im sure there is a french word that describes it perfectly. 

Lets define PDA. PUBLIC DISPLAYS of AFFECTION . 

That was an easy one! Give me another! No, really

Anyway we need to define what is ok to display and what really should stay in the stairwell behind Mrs. Carters classroom. 

1) NO FRENCH KISSING (seriously really gross, its not an attractive kiss to begin with much less you experiencing it and not me)

2) Hand holding is allowed and encouraged (awwww it is soooo sweet!!!!!!!!! even though im a sweater and wintertime is really the only time I feel comfortable doing it)

3) Groping, eh? (now I am of two minds about this. I do love a good grope but hate being caught. I would employ this tactic at your own risk)

4) Heavy breathing (could be worse than the french kissing....shudder)

5)Footsie (seriously? are we like, in the 50's? Just don't do it, its dumb and hopelessly outdated. you will be laughed at by  me and possibly your date) 

6) Back rubbing, hair pulling, sidelong looks (again, use at  your own risk. can be gross if done inappropriately or constantly)

7) NO French Kissing (oh, did I mention this one already? Did i miss anything?)

WHEW! Glad we covered and cleared that up! Back to the stairwell!!!!