The walk of shame. We have all done it. Slinking out of some persons house, looking right and then left making sure no one you know sees you en dishabille. The hot pants you wore last night that made your ass look amazing are now sagging a bit in the most awkward places, making you wonder if strip twister was the best idea. The makeup that was so carefully applied has completely run away from your face but has left just enough( in every crease on your face you didn't know you had) to make people think zombies are hotter than you are right now. Your hair.....enough said....You are also pretty sure you wore panties last night but just couldn't muster the energy to look for them. At least you had enough forethought to leave your glasses where you could find them!
So my question is when does the walk of shame turn into just leaving someone's house? Is it a "between the hours of" situation or the level of commitment involved or a "well, he bought my dinner, I kinda owed him, right?"
If it is a 'between the hours of" situation, what are the hours? If you are leaving between the hours of 2am-4am, either you were afraid he would want to repeat an unspectacular performance, making you have to wonder just how many fake orgasms you can have in one night, or the hotel was only paid up for 2 hours, or you just remembered that you have to wash your hair, again (other excuses that would work well here are "my mom is sick and i have to pick up her prescriptions or my dog just died and I have to dig a very large hole for me--i mean for him to be buried in).If you are leaving between the hours of 4am-6am, the sex was obviously worth a second coming (HA!) but feel that sleeping together is just way too intimate (i can understand that), or you are sober enough now that driving home is probably for the best or, you are not comfortable enough with him seeing that you do not look like a superstar in the early hours and morning breath is a very real affliction. Anything after 6am is where the waters get murky. After strip twister and tee many two martoonis (oh yeah) sleep is seriously for the best. At this point, anywhere is good just as long as he doesn't care that a) you will snore and b) bodily function noises will occur and it doesn't mean anything. On the other hand it can also mean that you have reached a level of intimacy that it doesn't matter that you don't look like a superstar, he thinks zombies are cute and, the fact that you have morning breath means you are human. Of course it could also mean that the bed is extremely comfortable and you really were very sore after playing strip twister.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Too soon?
Brace yourselves people, This particular blog is going to cover a wide variety of topics and hopefully i will not lose anyone (most importantly myself) (whoa...that was deep)
So, when is soon too soon? (see, already off the deep end) There are a myriad of dumb-ass rules and regulations regarding getting back into the proverbial saddle(falling back in the wagon? Does that work too?) and riding off into the sunset with mr. right (mr. right now? I like the sound of that) Is a rebound like sunblock? People tell me I should use it but I never do Am I really supposed to mourn for half the time i was with someone? (do i have to wear black? I kinda already went through that phase and have sold my shares in emo stock) I have no problem with Ben & Jerry but Im pretty sure their products have a problem with me. Can I sub a pint of beer for the pint of Chunky Monkey? Don't get me started on music choices. Mine are absurd anyway and Im pretty sure Disturbed and Rob Zombie aren't on the "How to get over a broken relationship in 10 days or less" list (they should be though. Angry guy music is so waay cooler than angry chick music) .
So once you do what all the experts tell you, (I use the term experts loosely b/c im pretty sure Cosmo mag is the unfortunate authority on this....) you are cured right? No lingering sniffles or puffy unmanageable red eyes? Side effects not limited to but including death, have been avoided? That depends entirely on the person(and day)....damn it. There is no set list or rules to follow. Follow your own...Have 158 rebounds if you want. Eat or drink 10 pints a day. If it takes you six years to get over it then fine (well, that one may need some work) Be happy is the point.
And that neatly brings me to the next point...
So once you are happy, be it in another relationship or your 15th "experiment" (and have exhausted your supply of both pints and angry music), when is it too soon to talk? When is it time to stop feeling bad and apologizing? NOW! You can't control peoples thoughts or what they post on facebook. IM SORRY this hurts you, more sorry then I can say. I have cried all the tears I have and am tired of looking like Rudolf before christmas! That is not my Halloween costume dammit! The one thing you want from me is the one thing I cannot give. You already have a piece of me that no one else ever will! Is that not enough for now? Here, have some pints....i hear they work wonders. Im tired. Tired of being the bad guy (also not my Halloween costume), tired of tip toeing (have you seen these size 11's? its like a tiger wearing roller-skates to catch prey...doesn't work) around and watching what I say, and how I say and, when I say. I have to be done. Im done.
So, when is soon too soon? (see, already off the deep end) There are a myriad of dumb-ass rules and regulations regarding getting back into the proverbial saddle(falling back in the wagon? Does that work too?) and riding off into the sunset with mr. right (mr. right now? I like the sound of that) Is a rebound like sunblock? People tell me I should use it but I never do Am I really supposed to mourn for half the time i was with someone? (do i have to wear black? I kinda already went through that phase and have sold my shares in emo stock) I have no problem with Ben & Jerry but Im pretty sure their products have a problem with me. Can I sub a pint of beer for the pint of Chunky Monkey? Don't get me started on music choices. Mine are absurd anyway and Im pretty sure Disturbed and Rob Zombie aren't on the "How to get over a broken relationship in 10 days or less" list (they should be though. Angry guy music is so waay cooler than angry chick music) .
So once you do what all the experts tell you, (I use the term experts loosely b/c im pretty sure Cosmo mag is the unfortunate authority on this....) you are cured right? No lingering sniffles or puffy unmanageable red eyes? Side effects not limited to but including death, have been avoided? That depends entirely on the person(and day)....damn it. There is no set list or rules to follow. Follow your own...Have 158 rebounds if you want. Eat or drink 10 pints a day. If it takes you six years to get over it then fine (well, that one may need some work) Be happy is the point.
And that neatly brings me to the next point...
So once you are happy, be it in another relationship or your 15th "experiment" (and have exhausted your supply of both pints and angry music), when is it too soon to talk? When is it time to stop feeling bad and apologizing? NOW! You can't control peoples thoughts or what they post on facebook. IM SORRY this hurts you, more sorry then I can say. I have cried all the tears I have and am tired of looking like Rudolf before christmas! That is not my Halloween costume dammit! The one thing you want from me is the one thing I cannot give. You already have a piece of me that no one else ever will! Is that not enough for now? Here, have some pints....i hear they work wonders. Im tired. Tired of being the bad guy (also not my Halloween costume), tired of tip toeing (have you seen these size 11's? its like a tiger wearing roller-skates to catch prey...doesn't work) around and watching what I say, and how I say and, when I say. I have to be done. Im done.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)