And the winner is...

Much like ADD we all have a bit of poet in us....and Im really happy that you have found your muse but please, please don't throw away all your cool points on the second conversation...I know I asked what kind of poetry you write...I know...

If you want to be the owner of a company one day...please learn how to spell...no one is just going to hand over their money because of your "good looks and charm"

Telling me that you love big girls with a lot of extra pounds does not make me want to "hook up"

Asking me if I have had sex lately is not the way into this lady's heart...or pants

Please realize that your profile name is the first thing I see...

So when you put your profile pic up...please look at it before you post it...upside down photos make my neck hurt, your best side is not the one that is flipping the bird on the camera, and please don't hump anything...

Informing me that any additional info will have to be exchanged in person makes me think that you are a bill collector or a witness of some sort...i have just decided im not intrested...imagine that.

Two's company, Three's a crowd!!! PT 1

Some things are in fact better said in text, such as..."thanks for the compliment but im afraid you totally freak me out". Or, "wow, only 15 kids?" In turn some things are better said in person. The words yes, more, right, there, please and yay come to mind....

Ya'll know how i feel about the video chat...weird and potentially horrifying are two emotions that come to mind. Two things need to happen if we are going to video chat.

1) Please be aware that if you don't have a profile pic, i may actually scream upon gazing at your ugly visage for the very first time. Please don't be offended...it is just a natural fight or flight response. 

2) Remember lessons learned in driving school. Yes, driving school. Your hands must be at 10 and 2 the ENTIRE time. I was born at night, but not last night. I can tell that you aren't sewing, feeding your cat or using the remote. I can also hear...


All this being said, I video chatted the other night.

I will set the scene.... it was a dark and stormy night-sorry wrong story. Well it was dark, we are in alabama so it might have been stormy...anyway 

8ish, Im watching a movie and playing on the internets, when i get a message from a potential candiate. He uses the usual "hey" as his opening line and I respond accordingly and  take the predictable pause in conversation to check out his profile. Surprisingly there is no profile picture (there is nothing quite like a gee duh moment, huh?). Seems like a normal enough fella until I get to his description of himself. First of all he cusses out the entire population of girls on the online dating community for not responding to his emails or instant message requests. He goes on to tell us that "we" are the biggest bitches and that effin common curtesy should have been taught to us at birth. He just wants to talk for christsakes. Five hos were thrown in, four more bitches, three F u's, two "I can't believes" and a partridge in a pear tree, all in all rounding out a very colorful profile (what girl would not want to talk to this guy?) To top it all off? He and his GIRLFRIEND are looking for a girl to make a playdate with. I message him letting him know that i have read through his profile. He gives no explanation and goes straight for the million dollar question. "You intrested?"  I smile and thank god for predicitability and relpy "No, I failed sharing in kindergarden." He lol's my wit and asks if i am sure. Can you be 1000% sure of anything these days? I tell him yes and sorry ( sorry for being grossed out) and say that if he was up for it than i would totally talk to him for a bit. We talked for a bit and I found out that he and his girl have been together for 1.5 years and that she had tried it before with a previous boyfriend but was sure she would love it much more with him. Two sidenotes here:

1) only a year and a half? really? isn't it a bit early to be exploring the seedier sides of your personalities? Aren't you still in that honeymoon, can't imagine sleeping with someone else, much less call out their name, stage?
2) Maybe the problem wasn't her previous boyfriend? She might like girls. Someone should tell her it is ok


Back to the subject at hand....so we keep talking and he asks what i am doing and if i would like to come over. To his complete amazment, I tell him no. I just opened a beer and am pretty content at home. I ask to see a pic b/c at this point i just have to know what this couple looks like. He tells me that he has no problem sending a pic of himself but that he is uneasy about putting his girl on the internet (but, whoring her out on the internet is ok?). He asks me again if I want to come over b/c he has beer as well. I ask if the girlfriend is at home. Now, as crazy as it would be to be sitting on the couch with the two of them (shudder) I can't imagine sitting on the couch with just him when she gets home. He then wants to know if I am sure about not joining the two of them for fun. I say no and he responds with "Well, if it was just me would you want to hook up?" 
"What about your girlfriend?"
"She could watch"  (HELL TO THE NO)
"Uh, that doesn't sound very fun for her!"
"Oh, it would be"
"Yeah, how so?"  (STUPID, STUPID QUESTION)
"Well, after I f*** you, I get to have her" (she would take used goods? how very green of her)

First Time for Everything!!!!

Nervous twitch in left eye ticking away? Check

Butterflies in stomach flying against a hurricane? Check

Emotions going riot between terrified and elated? Check

Hearing texts or calls even though the phone is in your hand and you just looked at it one second ago? Check

Discussing potential outfits and what says cool yet sexy yet sophisticated yet fun and appropriate to wear in the July heat? Check

Self doubt tearing a hole through your ego? Double check

So after all that fun....

I took the plunge guys!  I officially met someone i "met" on the online dating community! I will not bore ya'll with the juicy details but just wanted to let everyone know that I am alive and that he did not "woo" me with any atrocious pick up lines, he drove a regular car not a green murder van and, aside from a super itchy bug bite on the back of my right leg, it was a pretty decent first date!!! Who knew???

Side note to Michael, Jeremy, Sean and Adele.... Thanks for all the support..you know what you did! LOL!!!

Random thoughts and fun quotes...

So what is it about seeing someone in person that makes them instantly trustworthy? I don't know about ya'll but I don't possess Sauron's all seeing eye, or Yoda's jedi powers, or even a third eye stuck somewhere interesting... so what is it about seeing that is believing?  "Oh, you part your hair the same way my grandfather did, there is no way you will kill me and harvest my kidneys for new Nikes(people still do that for Nikes, right?)". Right. See any green murder vans lately? I  told a customer that I HAVE NEVER MET BEFORE today how much my rent is and where excatly i live (like down to the directions to my unmentionables). The guy that i have been talking to online for a week? Yeah, wouldn't even tell him the company I worked for much less what foot I start off walking with. What finger I use to push the button down on the pepper spray? Definitely. 

To guy from England...dude check a map...I'm so not two hours away from you. Oh, and please stop calling me honey, sweetie, baby and sugar. Also, learn to write an effin proper sentence..didn't you take lessons from Mary Poppins or Nanny McPhee??? One last thing...we do not have a "connection".

"I want to be your distraction" (oh, im distracted)

"I can be your distraction, lets hang out, I'm in a hotel in oneonta" (Ooo romantic capital of the South?)

"I'm gonna dick you down" (do you talk to your mama with that mouth?)

"I hate fireworks and  beer" (we can't even be friends dude)

"I will play on the playground at night with you" (not an euphemism...i really do play on the playground after dark)

"Your HOT! Way to hot not to be texin me! xxx-xxxx" ( thanks for the compliment but how do you know I'm from Texas?)

"What if the distraction was over nine inches?" (I wouldn't touch that with a 9in pole)

Proper First conversation topics and age limits do apply

So first conversations are always the hardest. Do you ask how they are or what their sign is (people still ask that, right?), how is the weather is always a good one (if and only if, not interested is the answer you want) or, maybe you tell a joke (that might actually get my attention. write that one down), my favorite so far has been any variation of "hey gorgeous (gets me every time), wow you have beautiful eyes (heck yes, and they are mine!), is that a Guinness you are holding (profile pic), or a simple hi. So, after the awkward one liners or equally awkward (and terrible) pick-up lines, you make it to second base-I mean the second hardest conversation. "Oh crap, I have already asked her about the weather, what is next?" So when I ask you how your day was, I'm not really asking how your day was. I really don't care. I am trying as hard as you to not ask those awkward and dumb questions. Please though, respond with something positive. A lie would be ok here. Please don't tell me you had a crappy day. Then you involve me in your crappy day. Also, this would not be the best time for you to tell me about how your ex broke up with you. I have baggage of my own that I'm checkin' please don't take all the space on the luggage cart. A word of advice to those of you that are not as confident in your certain areas, don't use this second conversation to ask me if you think you are big enough, and why girls in the past have not liked you.

This brings me to the second (i love it when there is a rhythm and flow, don't you) point in today's discussion. Age.

Now, while the online community accepts people of all walks of life and degree of creepiness, it does not practice ageism. I say, good for them but...

 If you are above the age of 25, I understand why you are online dating. I am 28 myself so I get it. We are too busy with life, too old for the bar scene unless it is trivia night, too tight with our money unless it is happy hour and too tired to troll the scene ("you mean i have to bathe AND get dressed? Forget it") That being said, if you are the tender age of 25 or below, aren't you into that kind of thing? Isn't your M.O, like getting trashed and picking up "hot chicks" every weekend? That is what I did! Minus of course the hot chicks...usually it was a #10 at McDonalds (wait for it...it will make sense), which is the chicken nuggets (got it?) after a too long night at the plaza! I digress...so what are you doing on a dating site? Some, Im sure have a confidence problem like the poor kid from above. This guy...So he messages me one night. Asks all the  usual questions (weather, sign, how is the day...) and then quits talking. The next night he messages again. We talk some more (more of the same, i should say) and then he asks me for my phone number. I give it to him and he immediately texts me a picture of himself (he wanted to send a X rated one, I told him to calm down)(following the pic were some half hearted attempts at sexting. Ahhh the mind of a 22). He then asks me what number the message  came from. I read the number back and asked why (fair question, right?). He replies that the number he text from is actually his mom's cell phone and the other is the house phone (which i was welcome to call anytime...)!!!! I told him that i thought it was disrespectful of him to be using his mom's cell to send inappropriate pictures and messages, to which he replied that "she didn't care what he did as long as she doesn't get calls at work, when she goes to bed I do what i wont (oh yeah he is a speller too).He followed up with asking if I would ever come see him. I'm pretty sure I didn't reply."Our next case is shorter and way less depressing! Im online one night and a name pops up on my i.m asking if i want to chat. I reply yes and see the profile of a 22 year old. He says hey, i say hey. He then asks me if I was in need of a younger man to "give it to me". I said "younger? I'm only 6 yrs older than you, I might be too young for what you are looking for!" He didn't reply back. Oh well, I guess Im ok with not being the topic of 5th period lunch...

"So I creep...yeeah...."

.Sunday afternoon:

(M is for Megann, Megs or Me...whatever you say in your head is fine with me, megann or megs)

(C.M.W.M.W.S is for Creepy Man who Wants to  Murder me and Wear my Skin)

C: Why don't we just meet on tuesday and fun some fun (should have known then right)

M: I still don't know what  you look like. What if I end up talking to another complete stranger?

C: Im the guy in the green dodge minivan (oh man...the murder van?) 

M: oh...

C: it also has seats that fold down and make a queen sized bed...just saying...lol (not lol!!! thats an OMG statement!)

C:....did you get my email? (yes..i know...stupid of me...)

M: just did.....

Ladies and gents...moral of the story is....dont say yes to chat with people without profile pics...there is a reason they didn't put one up....

Hey, I like your shoes. Wanna go....

And other amazing pick up lines and one liners...

Wiping the tears of joy-sorry, sorrow from my eyes after getting no response from wont/won't ( I never know which to use!), I pick up the pieces and log on again.
        Let me set the stage for everyone. Friday night, me and jack hanging out (Xena too), fresh pack of gum waiting to be chewed (that is not an euphemism, i really did have an unopened pack of gum waiting to be chewed, though I will remember that line...) im wearing (just setting up the scene) comfy shorts and probably my muggle crew t-shirt my hair is a mess and i have taken out my contacts...(too much?) Anyway, its a Friday night...I take a gulp of social lubrication and sign on. I have a couple of emails from some new bachelors and I take a breath and click on the first one. 

Email # 1 "You mild or wild?" (well, I do like my wings mild, I like mild salsa, though i am experiencing  a wild case of the heebee jeebees right now though...)


Email # 2 "Want me to be your distraction?" (from your horrible pick-up line? yes)


Email # 3 "What do you look for sexually in a man?" (the usual things i guess, do you have all the right parts, is the first thing that comes to mind)


Email # 4 "...I got some beer chilling, just watching tv. I could meet you at gas station right here. Not a psycho. lol (oh, you aren't? thats too bad cause im totally into that...)


Email # 5 "...So what's your cup size?" (i like big cups...they hold more to drink...speaking of I might need a refill)


Email # 6 "....im very openminded though it mite (yes that is how it was spelled) scare you. (ok, im intrigued...) I have a fetish (so....) I like for girls to dress up nice in hose and cute panties and a dress (seriously? that's it? wow...you might be too mild (hahaha) for me)...so what kind of hose do you like to wear" (ahhh...would this be the part where I tell him that i sent all my hose to the war effort? Do we still do that? )


ok last one, i swear...


Email # 7 "what i got to do to get to know you babygirl" (lots of things...for one proper english is a HUGE turn on on for me...)