Confessions of a one time conex princess

Can anyone comprehend the difficulty of honesty? Explaining oneself in a way that absolves not only guilt but responsibility of past actions is at best very hard to do. Especially when those actions happened in past tense atmosphere. Fortunately for myself the story that I am about to tell is funny (at least to me).

I met my previous boyfriend a mere four months after a breakup with a longstanding boyfriend. The summer of that breakup I term (affectionately) my slut phase. If it was of the opposite sex, walked upright and had (at the very least) their front teeth, I was game. Now, up till this point in my life I had dated within my realm of people. Nerds to put it bluntly (and, I would like to add, before it was popular). I didn't have to reach far to find someone within my bubble and was content to pick solely from this lot. After the breakup I decided I had spent too long in one attitude (and color). I realized I had  never dated (made out, slept with) anyone who wasn't a) a chef or cook or bartender and, b) white. The fates surely heard my plea for almost overnight my place of employment had become a construction zone complete with construction workers. 

Imagine if you will sweet, little (not really little) ole Megann, bookworm and closet romantic amongst all those construction workers. It was heaven. These were men with capital M's. Not that the nice young men I had dated previously weren't but there is just something about a guy that works with his hands. They fixed things without instructions and knew the names to tools I had never heard of. They built things. It was (still is) hot. I was drywall mud in their capable hands ready to be spread (oh man, that was a good line).

I had set my sights on a young one (though the older were more susceptible to my charms) and with practiced charm and actually shaving for once we became friends. It didn't take long for late night conversations to include late night confidences, never have I ever's and then (finally) fooling around. Nothing too scandalous, I think it was more the danger of getting caught that was the best (still have super fond memories of conex trailers).  He left to go to another job (that's the way construction goes) and I took up with another one of the guys who I am actually quite good friends with till this day.

Fast forward three (OMG three) years. My boyfriend is working on his house in which i currently live. We have been through it all remolding wise and are done with this stupid project and cannot believe we started it in the first place. We need help. We have called and gotten quotes, hired and fired guys. I remember, somewhat belatedly, that I have this certain friend who works with his hands for a living (sigh) and maybe he could come out and look at the house. My boyfriend understandably is not too keen on this idea. I call him anyway and ask if he knows anyone who could help with this project. He sends me the number of a friend of his that he trusts to do the job I have described. Super excited I dial the number and realize it is already in my phone. My mind goes back three years to a hot and dark conex and my heart sinks even as I start to laugh. My boyfriends refusal of help from one of my former lovers has landed us straight into the lap of another! I call the guy anyway, wondering if he has (hopefully) forgotten about me cause I really would like a stove installed in my kitchen. He didn't answer and I don't know if he will call back.

So back again to honesty. I can tell him whats up and let him decide if he wants this guy to work for us. "Hey babe, a funny thing happened to me today...." Or I can let it hang hoping it won't blow up in my face in a disastrous way. "Hey man, your girlfriends butt is rounder than I remember it being, does it still...." Either way wish me luck!

If I give you my phone number, will you stop bothering me???

          Online dating makes it easier to be the asshole you always wanted to be but don't have the guts to in real life. It is incredibly easy to fire back a snarky reply (and hope they catch the sarcasm dripping from their phone), sit back and enjoy the backlash. Sometimes the backlash leads to interesting conversation but unfortunately the international language does not include sarcasm. What Siri? 
          I do not believe that i am smarter than the average bear. The average male on these dating sites? Just call me a Rhodes scholar by comparison (not that they would know what any of that means). I think the reason these websites claim "more marriages are made through blank blank blank dot com" is because there are so many "interesting" ( did ya catch the sarcasm?) people on there that when  you happen across a non interesting and quite boring catch, you grab it like it is the last loaf of bread on a snow day in the south and NEVER LET GO. You have seen what else is out there and let me tell you its kinda scary. Not Halloween scary but the type of scary that makes you want to curl up with your cat and think happy thoughts. I do realize that I probably translate better in person, but then I would have to meet you and if you didn't get my sarcasm then, you definitely won't get it when I am staring you in the face wishing to be anywhere else! 

What is that smell???

Man oh man. I am having one of those days! No, not a good hair day. No, not a bad hair day. No, not THAT kind of day! You ever have one of those days where no matter how much perfume or bathing (not that i have or anything) you do the only thing people smell are you pheromones? I am sending off some serious signals today and don't mean to! And why is my spit only on some peoples boots? Oh no, is my body telling me that 6 ft, gangle monkey guy with the coke bottle glasses on is my type for perfect breeding? Impossible! How come 6 ft jock doesn't fit the bill? I think we would rub along very well together! Biologically speaking gangle monkey guy wouldn't work. I wear glasses already and have no fashion sense. Mating with the same would cause some serious repercussions in the animal kingdom. I will not be responsible for the downfall of the human race. Im taking environmental science this semester. Trust me, I know what I am talking about! 

Here's your change

Man, I hate to make decisive statments. Inevitably 5 minutes pass and I am wondering if my Star Trek mentality of "boldly going where no one has gone before", just might only work for Captin Jean Luc Picard. Its like saying "I hate air", taking a couple of breaths and realizing that there are 15 possible alternative outcomes (one of which being living) that I never thought of before. 
So how does one step back from the brink of respectability? How to take back those 'I hate it when' and ' Don't put that on my salad, it's gross'? Is it easily fixed with another conversation where I start off with : "Hey...you remember that talk we had a month ago where I was all like, ' That and this and no, don't put that there?' Yeah....I'm going to need you to delete that from your brain and download this instead. Don't permanently save it cause I hear version 2.0 is coming out soon. No, I don't know why. Too many players on the field?" Oops. Wrong refrence, but you get where my mind is going. Maybe indecision is the spice of life instead of variety? Nope. I know what it is. Indecision is the gate way drug to the variety train headed towards addiction. Watch out decision makers, bad dye jobs and splotchy cover-ups next stop. I am having the sinking feeling that I am coming off flaky (not full shed yet, but im a scratching on the rocks). I would like to assure you (but mostly myself) that I am mostly sane 72% of the time. The other 28% is a cotton polyester blend that some find scratchy but I enjoy cause I think it makes my butt look firm. I told a friend today that I am going through some mental growth spurts right now but that all in all, things are looking up. If I can just wrangle my brain and mouth to be on the same wavelength, all those publishers clearing house apps i filled out might  just come to fruition! Hurry up Ed McMahon, mama needs a new life! 
 

I am woman, hear me roar?

Well, ya'll. it has been a cr-a-zy year! I have been with someone long enough that I am starting to use their catch phrases! Isn't that the weirdest feeling? You open your  mouth to say something, it comes out tasting funny and then you realize not only were you not the first to say it but you said it with their voice and inflection. Or even worse, when they say something that you have been saying for years (ex. You: "something smells good." Them: "I farted." You in your head : "dammit! really?") and now you can't use it for fear that they will think you a copycat. You try to interject it into conversation with them but are hyper aware that they will know what you are doing and smile knowingly (i love a good patronizing pat on the knee it really hammers the point home). I have smuggled deodorant and a toothbrush into the bathroom, a myriad of spices I can't personally eat without into the kitchen (salt for one) and have "accidentally" left numerous hair accessories just "lying" around (not artfully placed or anything) marking my territory. Trust me ladies, it is a lot easier than peeing on everything.We blew through the first fight, drunk. I called my best friend to come pick me up, sure I would never see him again. She took me back after I accused her of kidnapping me. Slept on the couch. Moved all  my stuff (left a trail of  hair accessories to the door, hoping he would divine the haste in which i left) out that morning. Called my friends. Freaked out that he would divine the special meaning behind the Hansel and Gretel hairpull move. Didn't call him though. Not that day anyway. You have to give these things time to marinate. I called the next day, fearful that I maybe had gone too far in my demonstration and now instead of talking about it over dinner I would have to do damage control at lunch. Long story short, while I overreacted in my head and to my poor friends, he is mostly blissfully ignorant of the inner workings of the female mind (and to the trail of dejected hairpulls) and I was able to talk without any mishap or tears! Whew. First fight done and smooth ish sailing from  here! 

p.s every time i tried to type first it came out fist fight. No one should hit anyone. Choking is ok though. 

The use of the Royal "We"

ooops, i did it again. used a future tense of a word in a sentence talking about us. wait, can i use the word us? I took  a class in highschool that taught me how to use "I" statements instead of "You" statements. I wish instead the class had been on what not to say when you are trying to say what you want to say....that made sense, right? A class everyone would benefit from I do believe! What is it with the male of the species that makes them so frightened of future tense (next week or the scary beyond) statements or 1st person pronouns like we, our, ours, us? Simple answer from a good friend of mine: "Megann, boys are programmed to fear words like future and us. When they hear them it makes them realize that they have not spread their seed far and wide enough...Girls on the other hand are programmed to hear those same words and say to themselves 'he loves me and wants me around'. In essence, boys are stupid, and that is usually the answer you need to tell yourself"
I like it. It makes sense.

Call me crazy but....

Don't you hate it? That little voice in your head that keeps mulling over the subtle nuance of EVERY word your new boyfriend of 2.5 days has said. That tiny nagging voice (the one that sounds like you except for the twinge of mass hysteria you can just barely hear) that turns the generally even keeled, pass to the left, devil may care, " i got my cool points, where are yours", person you normally are into a uneven, haven't had my V8, lost my high heels in a dice game, "oh no she didn't", ho-beast that even the Hulk would be frightend to tangle with. 

Why does this happen? Is this a side effect of all the dopamine your love starved body is releasing? Why isn't science helping these poor men who have to deal with the " oh well do you remember last week when you said" or " oh shut up, i didn't stab you that hard" or the absolute worse one " i'm fine, don 't worry about it". Better question. Why isn't science helping us overcome that insane urge to question, wonder, worry, stab, freak out, or deflect? Where is my pill, taken orally 3 times daily or when these feelings of craziness (we'll start calling them insecurities) occur, to take it all away? Do not tell me it is chocolate. My thighs cannot take it. There has to be some sort of remedy that does not involve me feeling worse afterwards! I need some sort of calming after effect like a room spray that, when the insecurities (aka craziness) start to come forth, i put down the gun-i mean cell phone and start to act like the rational person i am, 99% of the time. Does Mr. Clean make that? Is it in the feminine aisle at the CVS or is it prescription only? More importantly, does my insurance cover it because I have been real crazy-oops- insecure lately.

Awww honey, you shouldn't have....no really

Ahh the holiday season is upon us....no really, it's like, on Saturday!  As the season for giving draws to a close, we've trimmed and re-trimmed the tree (mainly just the lights b/c they are never right the first damn time), we have baked and sampled more than our fair share of cookies and other delightful goodies( that you  tell yourself it is ok to eat b/c it is the holidays and not just a regular ole' tuesday) and, last but not least, we have bought those gifts for the special people in our lives (or the ones that unexpectedly bought us gifts and now I have to find the nearest CVS for the quintessential oh shit gift, a box of Russell Stover chocolates). Naturally, as a woman, I am an excellent listener and pick up on all the things people don't say. So gift giving (for me) is generally pretty easy (plus,it is a great martyr tactic "oh I would love to go out for drinks but I just bought my parents this really awesome tv, yeah I know, I'm great) so anyway it's the thought that counts, right? Eh? If the thought is right then yes. I know, I know what a horrible thing to think and say. You are right. It is. Think of it this way though, yes, it was sweet that you bought me a blow up can-opener. I get the pun, I have a cooking show. Oooo you renewed my fishing license? Wow, that may be the gift that keeps giving. No honey, a toilet seat warmer does not sound like just the thing for me....go ahead and buy it for yourself and maybe I can borrow it? I'm just saying that there has to be thought for the thought to count. So in the small amount of time left for gift buying, really listen and find out what they really want. 

A PONY!!!!!!!!

To "DA" or not to "PDA"? That is the question

PDA. The best source of gossip fodder out there. How else would we know that Sally and Jesse are "together" unless we saw them in the lunchroom making out? We could just take Sally's word for it, but she has had a crush on Jesse since like, third grade. Her viewpoint is kinda one sided. Besides, nothing starts off a conversation better than "OMG you would not believe what I just saw!". Also, think of your attractiveness and popularity. Those go waay up when something juicy is on the line. but really? The lunchroom? Why not be like every other horny teenager and just make out in the stariwell behind Mrs. Carters class (couldn't have been just me....it was a good spot) There is something just amazingly gross about seeing two people in the theros of hormonal rage- oops passion. I get it. In the beginning (or 3 years into....) of a relationship you kinda Hulk out and all the passion and love and spit you have been saving since you saw the Notebook just comes out and won't be denied. Im sure there is a french word that describes it perfectly. 

Lets define PDA. PUBLIC DISPLAYS of AFFECTION . 

That was an easy one! Give me another! No, really

Anyway we need to define what is ok to display and what really should stay in the stairwell behind Mrs. Carters classroom. 

1) NO FRENCH KISSING (seriously really gross, its not an attractive kiss to begin with much less you experiencing it and not me)

2) Hand holding is allowed and encouraged (awwww it is soooo sweet!!!!!!!!! even though im a sweater and wintertime is really the only time I feel comfortable doing it)

3) Groping, eh? (now I am of two minds about this. I do love a good grope but hate being caught. I would employ this tactic at your own risk)

4) Heavy breathing (could be worse than the french kissing....shudder)

5)Footsie (seriously? are we like, in the 50's? Just don't do it, its dumb and hopelessly outdated. you will be laughed at by  me and possibly your date) 

6) Back rubbing, hair pulling, sidelong looks (again, use at  your own risk. can be gross if done inappropriately or constantly)

7) NO French Kissing (oh, did I mention this one already? Did i miss anything?)

WHEW! Glad we covered and cleared that up! Back to the stairwell!!!!

Walk of.....

The walk of shame. We have all done it. Slinking out of some persons house, looking right and then left making sure no one you know sees you en dishabille. The hot pants you wore last night that made your ass look amazing are now sagging a bit in the most awkward places, making you wonder if strip twister was the best idea. The makeup that was so carefully applied has completely run away from your face but has left just enough( in every crease on your face you didn't know you had) to make people think zombies are hotter than you are right now. Your hair.....enough said....You are also pretty sure you wore panties last night but just couldn't muster the energy to look for them. At least you had enough forethought to leave your glasses where you could find them!  
 So my question is when does the walk of shame turn into just leaving someone's house? Is it a "between the hours of" situation or the level of commitment involved or a "well, he bought my dinner, I kinda owed him, right?"
  If it is a 'between the hours of" situation, what are the hours? If you are leaving between the hours of 2am-4am, either you were afraid he would want to repeat an unspectacular performance, making you have to wonder just how many fake orgasms you can have in one night, or the hotel was only paid up for 2 hours, or you just remembered that you have to wash your hair, again (other excuses that would work well here are "my mom is sick and i have to pick up her prescriptions or my dog just died and I have to dig a very large hole for me--i mean for him to be buried in).If you are leaving between the hours of 4am-6am, the sex was obviously worth a second coming (HA!) but feel that sleeping together is just way too intimate (i can understand that), or you are sober enough now that driving home is probably for the best or, you are not comfortable enough with him seeing that you do not look like a superstar in the early hours and morning breath is a very real affliction. Anything after 6am is where the waters get murky. After strip twister and tee many two martoonis (oh yeah) sleep is seriously for the best. At this point, anywhere is good just as long as he doesn't care that a) you will snore and b) bodily function noises will occur and it doesn't mean anything. On the other hand it can also mean that you have reached a level of intimacy that it doesn't matter that you don't look like a superstar, he thinks zombies are cute and, the fact that you have morning breath means you are human. Of course it could also mean that the bed is extremely comfortable and you really were very sore after playing strip twister.

Too soon?

Brace yourselves people, This particular blog is going to cover a wide variety of topics and hopefully i will not lose anyone (most importantly myself) (whoa...that was deep)

So, when is soon too soon? (see, already off the deep end) There are a myriad of dumb-ass rules and regulations regarding getting back into the proverbial saddle(falling back in the wagon? Does that work too?) and riding off into the sunset with mr. right (mr. right now? I like the sound of that) Is a rebound like sunblock? People tell me I should use it but I never do Am I really supposed to mourn for half the time i was with someone? (do i have to wear black? I kinda already went through that phase and have sold my shares in emo stock) I have no problem with Ben & Jerry but Im pretty sure their products have a problem with me. Can I sub a pint of beer for the pint of Chunky Monkey? Don't get me started on music choices. Mine are absurd anyway and Im pretty sure Disturbed and Rob Zombie aren't on the "How to get over a broken relationship in 10 days or less" list (they should be though. Angry guy music is so waay cooler than angry chick music) . 
So once you do what all the experts tell you, (I use the term experts loosely b/c im pretty sure Cosmo mag is the unfortunate authority on this....) you are cured right? No lingering sniffles or puffy unmanageable red eyes? Side effects not limited to but including death, have been avoided? That depends entirely on the person(and day)....damn it. There is no set list or rules to follow. Follow your own...Have 158 rebounds if you want. Eat or drink 10 pints a day. If it takes you six years to get over it then fine (well, that one may need some work) Be happy is the point. 
And that neatly brings me to the next point...
So once you are happy, be it in another relationship or your 15th "experiment" (and have exhausted your supply of both pints and angry music), when is it too soon to talk? When is it time to stop feeling bad and apologizing? NOW! You can't control peoples thoughts or what they post on facebook. IM SORRY this hurts you, more sorry then I can say. I have cried all the tears I have and am tired of looking like Rudolf before christmas! That is not my Halloween costume dammit! The one thing you want from me is the one thing I cannot give. You already have a piece of me that no one else ever will! Is that not enough for now? Here, have some pints....i hear they work wonders. Im tired. Tired of being the bad guy (also not my Halloween costume), tired of tip toeing (have you seen these size 11's? its like a tiger wearing roller-skates to catch prey...doesn't work) around and watching what I say, and how I say and, when I say. I have to be done. Im done.

So I hear the sixties were good times....

So....where to start....at the beginning is usually the best place, right?

First of all, I have had a couple of interesting weeks. Between work and play, I have reverted (socially and mentally) to my highschool years. Those of you who knew me then have an idea of what I am talking about. Those new friends that don't....let me just say that I was not the most, uh, pure (wrong word), uh, hard to get (man, that sounds even worse) uh, let's just say I gave flirting and teasing new definition (there, that sums up nothing!) Anyway, I have( to say the least) enjoyed the deterioration of my current psyche to the max. Now to the point of this exercise. I have been talking to a certain gentleman. I say gentleman b/c not only is he one, but he is also a sexy older male (this is the point in the blog where everyone turns their head and goes "ewww!) At just one year shy of double my age, we share none of the same interests (with the exception of flirting), has a completly different viewpoint on life (well, duh right?) and has a job that takes him out of town (i have been down that road before....not really the roadie type). Other than that there is just something about this guy that has me hooked right now. Im really trying hard to decide what to do!

Anyone got any ideas????

3 pts for a rebound, right???

So after a month long illness, the fog in by brain has cleared, the texting callus' on my thumbs have healed and, most importantly I have come away unscathed and with a better idea of what i need out of a man (not boy, did ya'll know there was a difference?). 

So back to the goods....

Again, your profile pic is the first thing I see. Be aware of the creep factor...

Guy in the pool. You are not Michael Phelps...You have unfortuantely managed to make me think of that creepy movie Nieve Campbell was in where she killed people. Not sexy

While honesty is the best policy, telling me your stepmother has to go to jail for a couple of months is not the best way to start a conversation. 

Cussing me out b/c i didn't want to talk to you is frankly rude and a huge turnoff. I guess I am weird that way. Desperate much? 

Telling me you miss me after talking twice through email is not only creepy but it makes you sound like a loser. Saying hi and how are you is not the love connection I am looking for

Asking me where I would most like to make love, then telling me yours is in the back of your truck (mattress included, oh yeah, he went there) sounds more like I should get paid for my time with you. Which I could be ok with, just let me know. (What is it with these guys and the back of their vechicles? Are we in highschool? Do I look like that type of lady?)

No, I don't want to be facebook friends, I think it is weird that you would even ask. Can we just go the old fashioned route and "miss" each others phone calls and texts?

Again, your profile name is also very important. 69maneater. I'm sure describes your personality perfectly but now i think you are gay. Good luck on your search sir. 

Back to the old drawing board. Or keyboard I guess in this instance!

Crazy Asshole for $500, Alex

Ya'll remember that super fun and exciting, usually 2 week long,  honeymoon period in the beginning of a relationship where everything is fuzzy and warm? Where he might snore like your dad and grandpa combined, but you think it is cute. Or the fact that he doesn't remember you told him your schedule just means he is busy? Even that tickling warning in your stomach means you are nervous, right? 

WRONG

Ladies and gents, I promise not to turn this into a bio lesson or even a religion discussion but god gave us intuition and stomachs for a reason. Pay attention to the warning signs.

Let me break it down for you...


I blogged a month ago about a guy that I met. Good time, great taste. Just a couple of things though. When we first started talking he warned me about two things. 1) "Oh, by the way, I'm bipolar. Is that going to be a problem?" (When you say bipolar...)  2) "Baby, I know how to play the game"( I call the green piece!)  I didn't take him serious at first,( it is like me telling someone I'm shy, no one believes me until they see me at a party where im not drunk) thinking that he was just sayin' (you know like, "im just sayin' I have 21 toes"). Pretty sure he was serious. In the past month he has played me and been bipolar about it. Not play in a hurtful way, just in a "your moods are giving me whiplash" kind of way. First example: (in this scenario i play the heroine  who is confused, we will call  me....well, me) (he is just blank because weird emotionally bipolar guy is just too long to write everytime)
"Im getting a new number"
me: "oook..."
"it's not ok"
me: "why?"
"cause i like you"
me;"so I am the reason for the new number?"
"no"
me: "then I don't understand"
"i miss you"
me: "so why are you getting a new number?"
'im not, lol"

Really??? Then here recently are the times where he will just stop talking when I ask him a question, or ask stupid things, or my personal favorite, example number two: (same abbreviations as last time) 
"you get f**ked?" (please don't ask me to explain this one...i just can't, and in my mind it gets better so please read on)
me: "uh...no"
"ok"
me: "I did have some friends over and got tipsy (again...please don't ask me to explain)
"lol"
"cool"
me: "i know, right?"
"yea, later"
me: "wha?"
"yea later, peace adios"


Really??? I  know what later means, but thanks for being a dick about it. 


Now boys and girls, I got strong for about a day and a half. I ignored texts saturday AND sunday. Today I answered back. Am I sick? Here lately I have been attracted to some serious assholes....and what is this game he is playing? Give a little and take away right quick? I didn't realize that I had so much in common with my kitten (balls of string are fun!) 
Be proud of me though. 
"hey"
me: "hey"
"it's about damn time"
me: "is that supposed to make me want to talk to you?"
"ok, whatever"


YEAH! TAKE THAT! YOU HAVEN'T MET THIS BITCH YET! GUESS WHAT? I'M BIPOLAR TOO!

Three's A Crowd Part 2

Quick recap...


Eager to please his girlfriend of a year and a half, Don Juan is looking for an eager female, willing to please a potential boyfriend. Enter me. I am eager, female and willing to please but unfortunately for our hero, not in the way he wants.


So if the written portion of the evening wasn't enough to warn me and others away...

He asks me to video chat. Now ya'll remember part one of this epic? My rules for video chatting?

I click accept. 


I take a deep breath and brace myself for, like, Quasimoto's half elf brother to pop up on my screen. I open my eyes and there on the computer is a, well, hottie! Kinda nerdy lookin', fashionable black thick rimmed glasses, longish hair and complete with a flavor saver!  Ooo la la! Lucky me, huh? We grin stupidly at each other for a minute and I look down because I need a quick shot of liquid courage (and I'm pretty sure my voice won't work!). I look back up and he is typing something out. I lean down to read the text only to find out that he has asked to see my boobs! I look back up to his face and shake my head no because shouting has never solved anything. "How bout just one boob?"
Someone should teach this guy how to bargain. Ask for the least amt first then go for the gold... 
I shake my head no again and he laughs like he expected that answer. He begins to type something out and I notice it is slow going for him. He types for a bit, looks down, looks at me, put his hand in his lap, moves his hand down, back up, down, back up, types then waits for my response


This would be a good time to remember the rules...i didn't


I ask him if it is hard for him to type like that. "yes, does it bother you, what I am doing?"


I wait a minute....look down, then up, then down, then up and reply "No, but could you turn your sound up a bit"......

And the winner is...

Much like ADD we all have a bit of poet in us....and Im really happy that you have found your muse but please, please don't throw away all your cool points on the second conversation...I know I asked what kind of poetry you write...I know...

If you want to be the owner of a company one day...please learn how to spell...no one is just going to hand over their money because of your "good looks and charm"

Telling me that you love big girls with a lot of extra pounds does not make me want to "hook up"

Asking me if I have had sex lately is not the way into this lady's heart...or pants

Please realize that your profile name is the first thing I see...

So when you put your profile pic up...please look at it before you post it...upside down photos make my neck hurt, your best side is not the one that is flipping the bird on the camera, and please don't hump anything...

Informing me that any additional info will have to be exchanged in person makes me think that you are a bill collector or a witness of some sort...i have just decided im not intrested...imagine that.

Two's company, Three's a crowd!!! PT 1

Some things are in fact better said in text, such as..."thanks for the compliment but im afraid you totally freak me out". Or, "wow, only 15 kids?" In turn some things are better said in person. The words yes, more, right, there, please and yay come to mind....

Ya'll know how i feel about the video chat...weird and potentially horrifying are two emotions that come to mind. Two things need to happen if we are going to video chat.

1) Please be aware that if you don't have a profile pic, i may actually scream upon gazing at your ugly visage for the very first time. Please don't be offended...it is just a natural fight or flight response. 

2) Remember lessons learned in driving school. Yes, driving school. Your hands must be at 10 and 2 the ENTIRE time. I was born at night, but not last night. I can tell that you aren't sewing, feeding your cat or using the remote. I can also hear...


All this being said, I video chatted the other night.

I will set the scene.... it was a dark and stormy night-sorry wrong story. Well it was dark, we are in alabama so it might have been stormy...anyway 

8ish, Im watching a movie and playing on the internets, when i get a message from a potential candiate. He uses the usual "hey" as his opening line and I respond accordingly and  take the predictable pause in conversation to check out his profile. Surprisingly there is no profile picture (there is nothing quite like a gee duh moment, huh?). Seems like a normal enough fella until I get to his description of himself. First of all he cusses out the entire population of girls on the online dating community for not responding to his emails or instant message requests. He goes on to tell us that "we" are the biggest bitches and that effin common curtesy should have been taught to us at birth. He just wants to talk for christsakes. Five hos were thrown in, four more bitches, three F u's, two "I can't believes" and a partridge in a pear tree, all in all rounding out a very colorful profile (what girl would not want to talk to this guy?) To top it all off? He and his GIRLFRIEND are looking for a girl to make a playdate with. I message him letting him know that i have read through his profile. He gives no explanation and goes straight for the million dollar question. "You intrested?"  I smile and thank god for predicitability and relpy "No, I failed sharing in kindergarden." He lol's my wit and asks if i am sure. Can you be 1000% sure of anything these days? I tell him yes and sorry ( sorry for being grossed out) and say that if he was up for it than i would totally talk to him for a bit. We talked for a bit and I found out that he and his girl have been together for 1.5 years and that she had tried it before with a previous boyfriend but was sure she would love it much more with him. Two sidenotes here:

1) only a year and a half? really? isn't it a bit early to be exploring the seedier sides of your personalities? Aren't you still in that honeymoon, can't imagine sleeping with someone else, much less call out their name, stage?
2) Maybe the problem wasn't her previous boyfriend? She might like girls. Someone should tell her it is ok


Back to the subject at hand....so we keep talking and he asks what i am doing and if i would like to come over. To his complete amazment, I tell him no. I just opened a beer and am pretty content at home. I ask to see a pic b/c at this point i just have to know what this couple looks like. He tells me that he has no problem sending a pic of himself but that he is uneasy about putting his girl on the internet (but, whoring her out on the internet is ok?). He asks me again if I want to come over b/c he has beer as well. I ask if the girlfriend is at home. Now, as crazy as it would be to be sitting on the couch with the two of them (shudder) I can't imagine sitting on the couch with just him when she gets home. He then wants to know if I am sure about not joining the two of them for fun. I say no and he responds with "Well, if it was just me would you want to hook up?" 
"What about your girlfriend?"
"She could watch"  (HELL TO THE NO)
"Uh, that doesn't sound very fun for her!"
"Oh, it would be"
"Yeah, how so?"  (STUPID, STUPID QUESTION)
"Well, after I f*** you, I get to have her" (she would take used goods? how very green of her)

First Time for Everything!!!!

Nervous twitch in left eye ticking away? Check

Butterflies in stomach flying against a hurricane? Check

Emotions going riot between terrified and elated? Check

Hearing texts or calls even though the phone is in your hand and you just looked at it one second ago? Check

Discussing potential outfits and what says cool yet sexy yet sophisticated yet fun and appropriate to wear in the July heat? Check

Self doubt tearing a hole through your ego? Double check

So after all that fun....

I took the plunge guys!  I officially met someone i "met" on the online dating community! I will not bore ya'll with the juicy details but just wanted to let everyone know that I am alive and that he did not "woo" me with any atrocious pick up lines, he drove a regular car not a green murder van and, aside from a super itchy bug bite on the back of my right leg, it was a pretty decent first date!!! Who knew???

Side note to Michael, Jeremy, Sean and Adele.... Thanks for all the support..you know what you did! LOL!!!

Random thoughts and fun quotes...

So what is it about seeing someone in person that makes them instantly trustworthy? I don't know about ya'll but I don't possess Sauron's all seeing eye, or Yoda's jedi powers, or even a third eye stuck somewhere interesting... so what is it about seeing that is believing?  "Oh, you part your hair the same way my grandfather did, there is no way you will kill me and harvest my kidneys for new Nikes(people still do that for Nikes, right?)". Right. See any green murder vans lately? I  told a customer that I HAVE NEVER MET BEFORE today how much my rent is and where excatly i live (like down to the directions to my unmentionables). The guy that i have been talking to online for a week? Yeah, wouldn't even tell him the company I worked for much less what foot I start off walking with. What finger I use to push the button down on the pepper spray? Definitely. 

To guy from England...dude check a map...I'm so not two hours away from you. Oh, and please stop calling me honey, sweetie, baby and sugar. Also, learn to write an effin proper sentence..didn't you take lessons from Mary Poppins or Nanny McPhee??? One last thing...we do not have a "connection".

"I want to be your distraction" (oh, im distracted)

"I can be your distraction, lets hang out, I'm in a hotel in oneonta" (Ooo romantic capital of the South?)

"I'm gonna dick you down" (do you talk to your mama with that mouth?)

"I hate fireworks and  beer" (we can't even be friends dude)

"I will play on the playground at night with you" (not an euphemism...i really do play on the playground after dark)

"Your HOT! Way to hot not to be texin me! xxx-xxxx" ( thanks for the compliment but how do you know I'm from Texas?)

"What if the distraction was over nine inches?" (I wouldn't touch that with a 9in pole)

Proper First conversation topics and age limits do apply

So first conversations are always the hardest. Do you ask how they are or what their sign is (people still ask that, right?), how is the weather is always a good one (if and only if, not interested is the answer you want) or, maybe you tell a joke (that might actually get my attention. write that one down), my favorite so far has been any variation of "hey gorgeous (gets me every time), wow you have beautiful eyes (heck yes, and they are mine!), is that a Guinness you are holding (profile pic), or a simple hi. So, after the awkward one liners or equally awkward (and terrible) pick-up lines, you make it to second base-I mean the second hardest conversation. "Oh crap, I have already asked her about the weather, what is next?" So when I ask you how your day was, I'm not really asking how your day was. I really don't care. I am trying as hard as you to not ask those awkward and dumb questions. Please though, respond with something positive. A lie would be ok here. Please don't tell me you had a crappy day. Then you involve me in your crappy day. Also, this would not be the best time for you to tell me about how your ex broke up with you. I have baggage of my own that I'm checkin' please don't take all the space on the luggage cart. A word of advice to those of you that are not as confident in your certain areas, don't use this second conversation to ask me if you think you are big enough, and why girls in the past have not liked you.

This brings me to the second (i love it when there is a rhythm and flow, don't you) point in today's discussion. Age.

Now, while the online community accepts people of all walks of life and degree of creepiness, it does not practice ageism. I say, good for them but...

 If you are above the age of 25, I understand why you are online dating. I am 28 myself so I get it. We are too busy with life, too old for the bar scene unless it is trivia night, too tight with our money unless it is happy hour and too tired to troll the scene ("you mean i have to bathe AND get dressed? Forget it") That being said, if you are the tender age of 25 or below, aren't you into that kind of thing? Isn't your M.O, like getting trashed and picking up "hot chicks" every weekend? That is what I did! Minus of course the hot chicks...usually it was a #10 at McDonalds (wait for it...it will make sense), which is the chicken nuggets (got it?) after a too long night at the plaza! I digress...so what are you doing on a dating site? Some, Im sure have a confidence problem like the poor kid from above. This guy...So he messages me one night. Asks all the  usual questions (weather, sign, how is the day...) and then quits talking. The next night he messages again. We talk some more (more of the same, i should say) and then he asks me for my phone number. I give it to him and he immediately texts me a picture of himself (he wanted to send a X rated one, I told him to calm down)(following the pic were some half hearted attempts at sexting. Ahhh the mind of a 22). He then asks me what number the message  came from. I read the number back and asked why (fair question, right?). He replies that the number he text from is actually his mom's cell phone and the other is the house phone (which i was welcome to call anytime...)!!!! I told him that i thought it was disrespectful of him to be using his mom's cell to send inappropriate pictures and messages, to which he replied that "she didn't care what he did as long as she doesn't get calls at work, when she goes to bed I do what i wont (oh yeah he is a speller too).He followed up with asking if I would ever come see him. I'm pretty sure I didn't reply."Our next case is shorter and way less depressing! Im online one night and a name pops up on my i.m asking if i want to chat. I reply yes and see the profile of a 22 year old. He says hey, i say hey. He then asks me if I was in need of a younger man to "give it to me". I said "younger? I'm only 6 yrs older than you, I might be too young for what you are looking for!" He didn't reply back. Oh well, I guess Im ok with not being the topic of 5th period lunch...