I am woman, hear me roar?

Well, ya'll. it has been a cr-a-zy year! I have been with someone long enough that I am starting to use their catch phrases! Isn't that the weirdest feeling? You open your  mouth to say something, it comes out tasting funny and then you realize not only were you not the first to say it but you said it with their voice and inflection. Or even worse, when they say something that you have been saying for years (ex. You: "something smells good." Them: "I farted." You in your head : "dammit! really?") and now you can't use it for fear that they will think you a copycat. You try to interject it into conversation with them but are hyper aware that they will know what you are doing and smile knowingly (i love a good patronizing pat on the knee it really hammers the point home). I have smuggled deodorant and a toothbrush into the bathroom, a myriad of spices I can't personally eat without into the kitchen (salt for one) and have "accidentally" left numerous hair accessories just "lying" around (not artfully placed or anything) marking my territory. Trust me ladies, it is a lot easier than peeing on everything.We blew through the first fight, drunk. I called my best friend to come pick me up, sure I would never see him again. She took me back after I accused her of kidnapping me. Slept on the couch. Moved all  my stuff (left a trail of  hair accessories to the door, hoping he would divine the haste in which i left) out that morning. Called my friends. Freaked out that he would divine the special meaning behind the Hansel and Gretel hairpull move. Didn't call him though. Not that day anyway. You have to give these things time to marinate. I called the next day, fearful that I maybe had gone too far in my demonstration and now instead of talking about it over dinner I would have to do damage control at lunch. Long story short, while I overreacted in my head and to my poor friends, he is mostly blissfully ignorant of the inner workings of the female mind (and to the trail of dejected hairpulls) and I was able to talk without any mishap or tears! Whew. First fight done and smooth ish sailing from  here! 

p.s every time i tried to type first it came out fist fight. No one should hit anyone. Choking is ok though. 

The use of the Royal "We"

ooops, i did it again. used a future tense of a word in a sentence talking about us. wait, can i use the word us? I took  a class in highschool that taught me how to use "I" statements instead of "You" statements. I wish instead the class had been on what not to say when you are trying to say what you want to say....that made sense, right? A class everyone would benefit from I do believe! What is it with the male of the species that makes them so frightened of future tense (next week or the scary beyond) statements or 1st person pronouns like we, our, ours, us? Simple answer from a good friend of mine: "Megann, boys are programmed to fear words like future and us. When they hear them it makes them realize that they have not spread their seed far and wide enough...Girls on the other hand are programmed to hear those same words and say to themselves 'he loves me and wants me around'. In essence, boys are stupid, and that is usually the answer you need to tell yourself"
I like it. It makes sense.

Call me crazy but....

Don't you hate it? That little voice in your head that keeps mulling over the subtle nuance of EVERY word your new boyfriend of 2.5 days has said. That tiny nagging voice (the one that sounds like you except for the twinge of mass hysteria you can just barely hear) that turns the generally even keeled, pass to the left, devil may care, " i got my cool points, where are yours", person you normally are into a uneven, haven't had my V8, lost my high heels in a dice game, "oh no she didn't", ho-beast that even the Hulk would be frightend to tangle with. 

Why does this happen? Is this a side effect of all the dopamine your love starved body is releasing? Why isn't science helping these poor men who have to deal with the " oh well do you remember last week when you said" or " oh shut up, i didn't stab you that hard" or the absolute worse one " i'm fine, don 't worry about it". Better question. Why isn't science helping us overcome that insane urge to question, wonder, worry, stab, freak out, or deflect? Where is my pill, taken orally 3 times daily or when these feelings of craziness (we'll start calling them insecurities) occur, to take it all away? Do not tell me it is chocolate. My thighs cannot take it. There has to be some sort of remedy that does not involve me feeling worse afterwards! I need some sort of calming after effect like a room spray that, when the insecurities (aka craziness) start to come forth, i put down the gun-i mean cell phone and start to act like the rational person i am, 99% of the time. Does Mr. Clean make that? Is it in the feminine aisle at the CVS or is it prescription only? More importantly, does my insurance cover it because I have been real crazy-oops- insecure lately.

Awww honey, you shouldn't have....no really

Ahh the holiday season is upon us....no really, it's like, on Saturday!  As the season for giving draws to a close, we've trimmed and re-trimmed the tree (mainly just the lights b/c they are never right the first damn time), we have baked and sampled more than our fair share of cookies and other delightful goodies( that you  tell yourself it is ok to eat b/c it is the holidays and not just a regular ole' tuesday) and, last but not least, we have bought those gifts for the special people in our lives (or the ones that unexpectedly bought us gifts and now I have to find the nearest CVS for the quintessential oh shit gift, a box of Russell Stover chocolates). Naturally, as a woman, I am an excellent listener and pick up on all the things people don't say. So gift giving (for me) is generally pretty easy (plus,it is a great martyr tactic "oh I would love to go out for drinks but I just bought my parents this really awesome tv, yeah I know, I'm great) so anyway it's the thought that counts, right? Eh? If the thought is right then yes. I know, I know what a horrible thing to think and say. You are right. It is. Think of it this way though, yes, it was sweet that you bought me a blow up can-opener. I get the pun, I have a cooking show. Oooo you renewed my fishing license? Wow, that may be the gift that keeps giving. No honey, a toilet seat warmer does not sound like just the thing for me....go ahead and buy it for yourself and maybe I can borrow it? I'm just saying that there has to be thought for the thought to count. So in the small amount of time left for gift buying, really listen and find out what they really want. 

A PONY!!!!!!!!

To "DA" or not to "PDA"? That is the question

PDA. The best source of gossip fodder out there. How else would we know that Sally and Jesse are "together" unless we saw them in the lunchroom making out? We could just take Sally's word for it, but she has had a crush on Jesse since like, third grade. Her viewpoint is kinda one sided. Besides, nothing starts off a conversation better than "OMG you would not believe what I just saw!". Also, think of your attractiveness and popularity. Those go waay up when something juicy is on the line. but really? The lunchroom? Why not be like every other horny teenager and just make out in the stariwell behind Mrs. Carters class (couldn't have been just me....it was a good spot) There is something just amazingly gross about seeing two people in the theros of hormonal rage- oops passion. I get it. In the beginning (or 3 years into....) of a relationship you kinda Hulk out and all the passion and love and spit you have been saving since you saw the Notebook just comes out and won't be denied. Im sure there is a french word that describes it perfectly. 

Lets define PDA. PUBLIC DISPLAYS of AFFECTION . 

That was an easy one! Give me another! No, really

Anyway we need to define what is ok to display and what really should stay in the stairwell behind Mrs. Carters classroom. 

1) NO FRENCH KISSING (seriously really gross, its not an attractive kiss to begin with much less you experiencing it and not me)

2) Hand holding is allowed and encouraged (awwww it is soooo sweet!!!!!!!!! even though im a sweater and wintertime is really the only time I feel comfortable doing it)

3) Groping, eh? (now I am of two minds about this. I do love a good grope but hate being caught. I would employ this tactic at your own risk)

4) Heavy breathing (could be worse than the french kissing....shudder)

5)Footsie (seriously? are we like, in the 50's? Just don't do it, its dumb and hopelessly outdated. you will be laughed at by  me and possibly your date) 

6) Back rubbing, hair pulling, sidelong looks (again, use at  your own risk. can be gross if done inappropriately or constantly)

7) NO French Kissing (oh, did I mention this one already? Did i miss anything?)

WHEW! Glad we covered and cleared that up! Back to the stairwell!!!!

Walk of.....

The walk of shame. We have all done it. Slinking out of some persons house, looking right and then left making sure no one you know sees you en dishabille. The hot pants you wore last night that made your ass look amazing are now sagging a bit in the most awkward places, making you wonder if strip twister was the best idea. The makeup that was so carefully applied has completely run away from your face but has left just enough( in every crease on your face you didn't know you had) to make people think zombies are hotter than you are right now. Your hair.....enough said....You are also pretty sure you wore panties last night but just couldn't muster the energy to look for them. At least you had enough forethought to leave your glasses where you could find them!  
 So my question is when does the walk of shame turn into just leaving someone's house? Is it a "between the hours of" situation or the level of commitment involved or a "well, he bought my dinner, I kinda owed him, right?"
  If it is a 'between the hours of" situation, what are the hours? If you are leaving between the hours of 2am-4am, either you were afraid he would want to repeat an unspectacular performance, making you have to wonder just how many fake orgasms you can have in one night, or the hotel was only paid up for 2 hours, or you just remembered that you have to wash your hair, again (other excuses that would work well here are "my mom is sick and i have to pick up her prescriptions or my dog just died and I have to dig a very large hole for me--i mean for him to be buried in).If you are leaving between the hours of 4am-6am, the sex was obviously worth a second coming (HA!) but feel that sleeping together is just way too intimate (i can understand that), or you are sober enough now that driving home is probably for the best or, you are not comfortable enough with him seeing that you do not look like a superstar in the early hours and morning breath is a very real affliction. Anything after 6am is where the waters get murky. After strip twister and tee many two martoonis (oh yeah) sleep is seriously for the best. At this point, anywhere is good just as long as he doesn't care that a) you will snore and b) bodily function noises will occur and it doesn't mean anything. On the other hand it can also mean that you have reached a level of intimacy that it doesn't matter that you don't look like a superstar, he thinks zombies are cute and, the fact that you have morning breath means you are human. Of course it could also mean that the bed is extremely comfortable and you really were very sore after playing strip twister.

Too soon?

Brace yourselves people, This particular blog is going to cover a wide variety of topics and hopefully i will not lose anyone (most importantly myself) (whoa...that was deep)

So, when is soon too soon? (see, already off the deep end) There are a myriad of dumb-ass rules and regulations regarding getting back into the proverbial saddle(falling back in the wagon? Does that work too?) and riding off into the sunset with mr. right (mr. right now? I like the sound of that) Is a rebound like sunblock? People tell me I should use it but I never do Am I really supposed to mourn for half the time i was with someone? (do i have to wear black? I kinda already went through that phase and have sold my shares in emo stock) I have no problem with Ben & Jerry but Im pretty sure their products have a problem with me. Can I sub a pint of beer for the pint of Chunky Monkey? Don't get me started on music choices. Mine are absurd anyway and Im pretty sure Disturbed and Rob Zombie aren't on the "How to get over a broken relationship in 10 days or less" list (they should be though. Angry guy music is so waay cooler than angry chick music) . 
So once you do what all the experts tell you, (I use the term experts loosely b/c im pretty sure Cosmo mag is the unfortunate authority on this....) you are cured right? No lingering sniffles or puffy unmanageable red eyes? Side effects not limited to but including death, have been avoided? That depends entirely on the person(and day)....damn it. There is no set list or rules to follow. Follow your own...Have 158 rebounds if you want. Eat or drink 10 pints a day. If it takes you six years to get over it then fine (well, that one may need some work) Be happy is the point. 
And that neatly brings me to the next point...
So once you are happy, be it in another relationship or your 15th "experiment" (and have exhausted your supply of both pints and angry music), when is it too soon to talk? When is it time to stop feeling bad and apologizing? NOW! You can't control peoples thoughts or what they post on facebook. IM SORRY this hurts you, more sorry then I can say. I have cried all the tears I have and am tired of looking like Rudolf before christmas! That is not my Halloween costume dammit! The one thing you want from me is the one thing I cannot give. You already have a piece of me that no one else ever will! Is that not enough for now? Here, have some pints....i hear they work wonders. Im tired. Tired of being the bad guy (also not my Halloween costume), tired of tip toeing (have you seen these size 11's? its like a tiger wearing roller-skates to catch prey...doesn't work) around and watching what I say, and how I say and, when I say. I have to be done. Im done.