"I like it when they call me big poppa"

So after "A" day of terror (anyone get that reference?) I was a little put out (not directly to the pasture but I could see the lifeless gray hills of cat lady heaven). Feeling my years (DQ = drama queen) and like I had made one huge mistake I, with lead fingers and heart, log back on. The messages from the day before were still up, mocking me with their unsportsmanlike conduct and I avert my eyes and quickly scroll down the page where it says "You have two new messages" (yay). Rolling my eyes from behind my head I look down and see...what is this...a non football profile name...hunting and fishing NOT included??? TOUCHDOWN (sorry had to). Grinning like a school girl with her first Johnny Depp crush (still am that girl by the way) I sit up straighter and confidently click on contestant #1. This lucky bachelor's message reads: "hi megs (uh, familiar much?) how do you feel about sexy older men?"  Now, two questions instantly sprang to mind "Just how old are we talking and just how sexy (i can forgive and forget alot!)"? One double click later and I was given those two answers.

I would like to preface these next comments to "sexy older men" everywhere.

No offense intended, for you have put in a lot (and I mean a lot) of years on this planet. I am sure in your real life you are a respected and fun loving member of the senior community and, that they love you (and your senior discount) at the mickey d's. God bless you for getting out there and trying something new and learning how to use the internet, much less the emoticons you followed your next statement with. Things have not changed in the 50 million years since you invented "dating" so you should know that if a girl doesn't answer the first time, please don't follow up with an email that asks if I enjoy spankings.

I.Might.But.Not.From.You. xoxox Megann

nuff said.

First one down...second time with feeling, right?

Losing a bit of the Johnny Depp grin, I proceed to click on contestant #2 

His message read: "Hey Beautiful (hey, that's me!) u wont (wait a minute and just sound out that word real slow and southern like) to chat?" 

Ok, so aside from the fact that he is neither a speller (nor am I) or grammatical genius (nor am i), he is kinda cute (in a wont instead of want way) and I message him back. We went back and forth with the usual chit awkward chat for a couple of hours when I received this gem of an email "jus woke up my self (dramatic pause between my and self, did you feel it?) i 2 (?) had a long day sweetie (personal familiarity space please) so what do u won't (his mind must know it is the wrong way to spell it b/c he added the right punctuation!) to know about me sweetie (10 minutes between endearments, please) i am an open book =)"  (i bet you are...one big blank open book)

Now, now as if this wasn't enough...i ask him hobbies and what his favorite things to do are. Answers include but are not limited to...country music but he is also a little bit rap, fishin, huntin, and muddin, (he forgot poet, guess cause it didn't rhyme with the rest)and,he almost forgot to tell me,(oh so glad he didn't) he says that he loves to work out and can bench 300 lbs and leg lift 500 lbs. (watch out ladies...this one is mine). 

Ya'll don't hate me b/c i kept on talking to him, Im new at this and if this was going to be the best, well then I was going to find the best in it...(there is a best right???)

There isn't. Unfortunately for me, he lost intrest after a couple more emails... darn it...

 

Match made...in heaven or in alabama football hell?

Invasive questionnaire filled out to our specifications? Check
The only pic you have where you look half way decent, uploaded? Check
Humble yet sassy yet sweet yet personal yet funny yet not too funny yet intresting description of your dreams, wants, needs, likes, dislikes,goals,height, weight, ethnicity, habits, feeding times, how much you breathe, intelligence level and blood type filled out? Uh, check?

CONGRATULATIONS! GET READY TO MEET YOUR MATCHES!
wait! im not ready...


Within the first hour of offically becoming a member of the online dating community I had about 5 "matches". All of which either had bama, rolltide, al, bam, or some other form of AL football refrence. The few who didn't (aww, were all the good names taken?) either had Bama shirts, shoes, socks, shorts, hats and cufflinks, (bet ya'll didn't know they even made those, huh?) The other few who didn't have all that on (not a true bama fan i bet) had their pictures taken actually at the home of the crimson tide...(save me). So you can imagine my soul crushing disappointment! What about my picture (i have short sassy hair damit) or my profile (was it the "not a speller comment?) that made any of these guys think that they were the one for me??? Yes, i realize that i live in AL. Yes, i realize that my former boyfriend looks just like a certain AL football star. Yes, i realize they have 13 national championships...got it, don't care. So not wanting to heedlessly cast any potential mate or lover(sorry mom) out i checked out their intrests. Can anyone guess what the top 3 were? If you didn't guess AL football, hunting and fishing then god bless you for having faith in your fellow AL fans.  Needless to say i went to bed a bit disappointed that night, sure that i would never find anyone (maybe I should have included drama queen in my description). 
        Waking up the next day i was a little hesitant about checking this thing again. Who could it be next? Come to find out, while i was sleeping the sleep of the "oh man, why did i sign up for this, why oh why", guys with interests outside of football had gotten on!   

Intrests include but are not limited to...

So after the picture and the amazing description I gave, you are asked a series of questions like "do you smoke" (have you met me?) "do you want kids" (wow, down to the nitty gritty already) do you have a car (what made them even ask that???) religion (yeah i can kinda see why they would ask) and the big one (nothing like a pun) body type (ahh man! really? do i hafta???) do you do drugs (now i want to know who else is monitoring this sight...hello big brother!) and then the usual, ethnicity, job and degree of education (ooo i know the answers to all of those!!) 
The next big question is what you are looking for. Now this loaded question opens up all kind of responses. Thankfully they give you the answers (casual,intimate encounter (ooolala), long term relationship short term etc), you just choose the right one for you! Again though that is where the potential for trouble comes in. My choice was "wants to date, but nothing serious" (they are THAT specific!) You would think that would help but you have to have some idea as to what you are even doing on that site. I don't. (indecision is fun, right?) I have been on this site now for a full week and I have talked to (if I may pat myself on the back) like a million different guys (not really, like 15 or so...) and I have yet to want to meet any of them. Not that they don't sound intresting (not you sir who is looking for a "friend" for you and your wife to hang out with. His wife is also on the site...at least they believe in teamwork. Or you sir who kept asking me to video chat so i could watch you...ahem...Or you 22 yr old CHILD who wants an older woman (AM I OLDER???) to have fun with.) 

Yeah...this might take some time!

Profile: Do's and DON'TS!!!

When you meet someone in the "real world", tone and inflection, the way you smile or frown or that nervous tick in your right eye, gives clues about your personality. Not so in the online dating game. When you first sign on to the site you do the usual, name, birth date, exact  placement of freckles and my personal favorite, type this weird series of letters into this box so we can determine you are not a robot... After that  it becomes a bit more personal. There is a personality and chemistry quiz (I love quizzes!)  that should determine your personal preferences (as if you already didn't know) (oddly enough in my case i don't) and what you are looking for in a lover/mate/husband/ pool boy. You pick through a series of choices such as: hang-out, casual dating, relationship and other...other??? You then are urged to put up a picture of yourself ("the chances of you being matched are 230% greater with a picture") and you have to write a description of yourself. ugh on both accounts! First of all I am the picture taker not generally the takee...So there is a dearth of photos of myself on my computer. Also i have been doing a bit of work on the ole' body (purely sweat and tears not cosmetic) and so a lot of the pictures I have are not current. Anyway I picked out the most current and "attractive pic I have and posted that bad boy up there. whew first hurtle overcome! Next came the description of myself. Now I am a huge fan of me. I like talking about myself but writing is a completely different thing! (see first part of this blog) How does one come off humble yet confident, sassy but sweet and cool enough to party but not cool enough to party like that, at the same time and  in 100 words? Since this is fun sharing time I am going to share with ya'll what I wrote for my description and then dissect it for you! 

simple gal looking to meet some new people. interests include but are not limited to reading, drinking, cooking and playing on the playground after dark. doesn't use upper case very often because i think it limits my creative spark. not a speller. ready to roll with all and any punches...figuratively or literally.

There it is...now we will start at the beginning: Simple gal (humble, yes?) looking to meet some new people (totally true) interests include but are not limited to reading (duh), drinking (one of the questions they ask is how often you drink. my answer was occasionally which apparently equals more than 3 times a week)  cooking( barefoot, no)  and playing on the playground after dark. doesn't use upper case very often b.c i think it limits my creative spark.(this is also very true) not a speller (everyone knows that). ready to roll with all and any punches...figuratively or literally. 

Ok, so, to me, that is a great profile. Ya'll know me though and you know my sense of humor...so this, in hindsight, may have not been the best description. Probably should have stuck to the formula which was: describe what type of music you like (whatevs) describe what you like to do in your spare time (did that one!!!), what you are looking for out of life (i said something about creative spark, right? im creative) and other things that i didn't pay attention to b/c i though they were too boring.  

        Lesson learned though...the last line, the true gem outta that whole shabang..."Ready to roll with..." yeah that got me a message from, im sure a total gentleman in "real life", asking how i felt about spankings. The drinking part of the description (plus the fact that I have a beer in my profile pic) got me a message about if im an alcoholic... 

First things first cont'

Now, I want to start out by saying that I am in no way "dissing" or attempting to turn people away from the joys of online dating (afterall, what healthy 28 year old would not be pleased by offers of spankings from a self professed "sexy older man"?). I know of a couple of couples (really?) that have found true happiness due to this new fangled way to mingle and meet without the bother of a smoky bar or expensive restaurant!  This blog is my own personal, skewed view of the dating practices that have come about while I was entrenched in my own coupledom. When I was growing up the internet was a scary place where talking to strangers was tantamount to inviting a vampire into your home. You didn't enter into chat rooms (ya'll remember those?) without knowing someone, you didn't impersonate anyone and you certainly did not meet them! Apparently all that has changed! I guess there were some classes in highschool I missed on online communication and you in the 21st century. All that being said I am looking forward to meeting new people and am definitely not missing the smoky bars and expensive restaurants!

First things First

So after one fun filled breakup after another, my boyfriend and I of NINE years split for good (fingers crossed). After a month or two of near consistent hangovers, cry fests and copious trips to the buffet, I got a cat. After pondering just how old and how many cats one would have to have to be in the cat lady club I decided a change was in order. Feeling too old and too poor to do the traditional mating game, a friend of mine talked me into joining the online dating community (proudly serving 4 million people and counting...)

This blog is dedicated to the trials and tribulations of my online dating experience. As it has been only four days since I started this venture, I only have the barest hint of what is to come! Hopefully I will be able to resist jumping at the first male to actually have a shirt on in his profile picture!

Wish me luck and check  back because it is sure to be entertaining!