So I hear the sixties were good times....

So....where to start....at the beginning is usually the best place, right?

First of all, I have had a couple of interesting weeks. Between work and play, I have reverted (socially and mentally) to my highschool years. Those of you who knew me then have an idea of what I am talking about. Those new friends that don't....let me just say that I was not the most, uh, pure (wrong word), uh, hard to get (man, that sounds even worse) uh, let's just say I gave flirting and teasing new definition (there, that sums up nothing!) Anyway, I have( to say the least) enjoyed the deterioration of my current psyche to the max. Now to the point of this exercise. I have been talking to a certain gentleman. I say gentleman b/c not only is he one, but he is also a sexy older male (this is the point in the blog where everyone turns their head and goes "ewww!) At just one year shy of double my age, we share none of the same interests (with the exception of flirting), has a completly different viewpoint on life (well, duh right?) and has a job that takes him out of town (i have been down that road before....not really the roadie type). Other than that there is just something about this guy that has me hooked right now. Im really trying hard to decide what to do!

Anyone got any ideas????

3 pts for a rebound, right???

So after a month long illness, the fog in by brain has cleared, the texting callus' on my thumbs have healed and, most importantly I have come away unscathed and with a better idea of what i need out of a man (not boy, did ya'll know there was a difference?). 

So back to the goods....

Again, your profile pic is the first thing I see. Be aware of the creep factor...

Guy in the pool. You are not Michael Phelps...You have unfortuantely managed to make me think of that creepy movie Nieve Campbell was in where she killed people. Not sexy

While honesty is the best policy, telling me your stepmother has to go to jail for a couple of months is not the best way to start a conversation. 

Cussing me out b/c i didn't want to talk to you is frankly rude and a huge turnoff. I guess I am weird that way. Desperate much? 

Telling me you miss me after talking twice through email is not only creepy but it makes you sound like a loser. Saying hi and how are you is not the love connection I am looking for

Asking me where I would most like to make love, then telling me yours is in the back of your truck (mattress included, oh yeah, he went there) sounds more like I should get paid for my time with you. Which I could be ok with, just let me know. (What is it with these guys and the back of their vechicles? Are we in highschool? Do I look like that type of lady?)

No, I don't want to be facebook friends, I think it is weird that you would even ask. Can we just go the old fashioned route and "miss" each others phone calls and texts?

Again, your profile name is also very important. 69maneater. I'm sure describes your personality perfectly but now i think you are gay. Good luck on your search sir. 

Back to the old drawing board. Or keyboard I guess in this instance!

Crazy Asshole for $500, Alex

Ya'll remember that super fun and exciting, usually 2 week long,  honeymoon period in the beginning of a relationship where everything is fuzzy and warm? Where he might snore like your dad and grandpa combined, but you think it is cute. Or the fact that he doesn't remember you told him your schedule just means he is busy? Even that tickling warning in your stomach means you are nervous, right? 

WRONG

Ladies and gents, I promise not to turn this into a bio lesson or even a religion discussion but god gave us intuition and stomachs for a reason. Pay attention to the warning signs.

Let me break it down for you...


I blogged a month ago about a guy that I met. Good time, great taste. Just a couple of things though. When we first started talking he warned me about two things. 1) "Oh, by the way, I'm bipolar. Is that going to be a problem?" (When you say bipolar...)  2) "Baby, I know how to play the game"( I call the green piece!)  I didn't take him serious at first,( it is like me telling someone I'm shy, no one believes me until they see me at a party where im not drunk) thinking that he was just sayin' (you know like, "im just sayin' I have 21 toes"). Pretty sure he was serious. In the past month he has played me and been bipolar about it. Not play in a hurtful way, just in a "your moods are giving me whiplash" kind of way. First example: (in this scenario i play the heroine  who is confused, we will call  me....well, me) (he is just blank because weird emotionally bipolar guy is just too long to write everytime)
"Im getting a new number"
me: "oook..."
"it's not ok"
me: "why?"
"cause i like you"
me;"so I am the reason for the new number?"
"no"
me: "then I don't understand"
"i miss you"
me: "so why are you getting a new number?"
'im not, lol"

Really??? Then here recently are the times where he will just stop talking when I ask him a question, or ask stupid things, or my personal favorite, example number two: (same abbreviations as last time) 
"you get f**ked?" (please don't ask me to explain this one...i just can't, and in my mind it gets better so please read on)
me: "uh...no"
"ok"
me: "I did have some friends over and got tipsy (again...please don't ask me to explain)
"lol"
"cool"
me: "i know, right?"
"yea, later"
me: "wha?"
"yea later, peace adios"


Really??? I  know what later means, but thanks for being a dick about it. 


Now boys and girls, I got strong for about a day and a half. I ignored texts saturday AND sunday. Today I answered back. Am I sick? Here lately I have been attracted to some serious assholes....and what is this game he is playing? Give a little and take away right quick? I didn't realize that I had so much in common with my kitten (balls of string are fun!) 
Be proud of me though. 
"hey"
me: "hey"
"it's about damn time"
me: "is that supposed to make me want to talk to you?"
"ok, whatever"


YEAH! TAKE THAT! YOU HAVEN'T MET THIS BITCH YET! GUESS WHAT? I'M BIPOLAR TOO!

Three's A Crowd Part 2

Quick recap...


Eager to please his girlfriend of a year and a half, Don Juan is looking for an eager female, willing to please a potential boyfriend. Enter me. I am eager, female and willing to please but unfortunately for our hero, not in the way he wants.


So if the written portion of the evening wasn't enough to warn me and others away...

He asks me to video chat. Now ya'll remember part one of this epic? My rules for video chatting?

I click accept. 


I take a deep breath and brace myself for, like, Quasimoto's half elf brother to pop up on my screen. I open my eyes and there on the computer is a, well, hottie! Kinda nerdy lookin', fashionable black thick rimmed glasses, longish hair and complete with a flavor saver!  Ooo la la! Lucky me, huh? We grin stupidly at each other for a minute and I look down because I need a quick shot of liquid courage (and I'm pretty sure my voice won't work!). I look back up and he is typing something out. I lean down to read the text only to find out that he has asked to see my boobs! I look back up to his face and shake my head no because shouting has never solved anything. "How bout just one boob?"
Someone should teach this guy how to bargain. Ask for the least amt first then go for the gold... 
I shake my head no again and he laughs like he expected that answer. He begins to type something out and I notice it is slow going for him. He types for a bit, looks down, looks at me, put his hand in his lap, moves his hand down, back up, down, back up, types then waits for my response


This would be a good time to remember the rules...i didn't


I ask him if it is hard for him to type like that. "yes, does it bother you, what I am doing?"


I wait a minute....look down, then up, then down, then up and reply "No, but could you turn your sound up a bit"......

And the winner is...

Much like ADD we all have a bit of poet in us....and Im really happy that you have found your muse but please, please don't throw away all your cool points on the second conversation...I know I asked what kind of poetry you write...I know...

If you want to be the owner of a company one day...please learn how to spell...no one is just going to hand over their money because of your "good looks and charm"

Telling me that you love big girls with a lot of extra pounds does not make me want to "hook up"

Asking me if I have had sex lately is not the way into this lady's heart...or pants

Please realize that your profile name is the first thing I see...

So when you put your profile pic up...please look at it before you post it...upside down photos make my neck hurt, your best side is not the one that is flipping the bird on the camera, and please don't hump anything...

Informing me that any additional info will have to be exchanged in person makes me think that you are a bill collector or a witness of some sort...i have just decided im not intrested...imagine that.

Two's company, Three's a crowd!!! PT 1

Some things are in fact better said in text, such as..."thanks for the compliment but im afraid you totally freak me out". Or, "wow, only 15 kids?" In turn some things are better said in person. The words yes, more, right, there, please and yay come to mind....

Ya'll know how i feel about the video chat...weird and potentially horrifying are two emotions that come to mind. Two things need to happen if we are going to video chat.

1) Please be aware that if you don't have a profile pic, i may actually scream upon gazing at your ugly visage for the very first time. Please don't be offended...it is just a natural fight or flight response. 

2) Remember lessons learned in driving school. Yes, driving school. Your hands must be at 10 and 2 the ENTIRE time. I was born at night, but not last night. I can tell that you aren't sewing, feeding your cat or using the remote. I can also hear...


All this being said, I video chatted the other night.

I will set the scene.... it was a dark and stormy night-sorry wrong story. Well it was dark, we are in alabama so it might have been stormy...anyway 

8ish, Im watching a movie and playing on the internets, when i get a message from a potential candiate. He uses the usual "hey" as his opening line and I respond accordingly and  take the predictable pause in conversation to check out his profile. Surprisingly there is no profile picture (there is nothing quite like a gee duh moment, huh?). Seems like a normal enough fella until I get to his description of himself. First of all he cusses out the entire population of girls on the online dating community for not responding to his emails or instant message requests. He goes on to tell us that "we" are the biggest bitches and that effin common curtesy should have been taught to us at birth. He just wants to talk for christsakes. Five hos were thrown in, four more bitches, three F u's, two "I can't believes" and a partridge in a pear tree, all in all rounding out a very colorful profile (what girl would not want to talk to this guy?) To top it all off? He and his GIRLFRIEND are looking for a girl to make a playdate with. I message him letting him know that i have read through his profile. He gives no explanation and goes straight for the million dollar question. "You intrested?"  I smile and thank god for predicitability and relpy "No, I failed sharing in kindergarden." He lol's my wit and asks if i am sure. Can you be 1000% sure of anything these days? I tell him yes and sorry ( sorry for being grossed out) and say that if he was up for it than i would totally talk to him for a bit. We talked for a bit and I found out that he and his girl have been together for 1.5 years and that she had tried it before with a previous boyfriend but was sure she would love it much more with him. Two sidenotes here:

1) only a year and a half? really? isn't it a bit early to be exploring the seedier sides of your personalities? Aren't you still in that honeymoon, can't imagine sleeping with someone else, much less call out their name, stage?
2) Maybe the problem wasn't her previous boyfriend? She might like girls. Someone should tell her it is ok


Back to the subject at hand....so we keep talking and he asks what i am doing and if i would like to come over. To his complete amazment, I tell him no. I just opened a beer and am pretty content at home. I ask to see a pic b/c at this point i just have to know what this couple looks like. He tells me that he has no problem sending a pic of himself but that he is uneasy about putting his girl on the internet (but, whoring her out on the internet is ok?). He asks me again if I want to come over b/c he has beer as well. I ask if the girlfriend is at home. Now, as crazy as it would be to be sitting on the couch with the two of them (shudder) I can't imagine sitting on the couch with just him when she gets home. He then wants to know if I am sure about not joining the two of them for fun. I say no and he responds with "Well, if it was just me would you want to hook up?" 
"What about your girlfriend?"
"She could watch"  (HELL TO THE NO)
"Uh, that doesn't sound very fun for her!"
"Oh, it would be"
"Yeah, how so?"  (STUPID, STUPID QUESTION)
"Well, after I f*** you, I get to have her" (she would take used goods? how very green of her)

First Time for Everything!!!!

Nervous twitch in left eye ticking away? Check

Butterflies in stomach flying against a hurricane? Check

Emotions going riot between terrified and elated? Check

Hearing texts or calls even though the phone is in your hand and you just looked at it one second ago? Check

Discussing potential outfits and what says cool yet sexy yet sophisticated yet fun and appropriate to wear in the July heat? Check

Self doubt tearing a hole through your ego? Double check

So after all that fun....

I took the plunge guys!  I officially met someone i "met" on the online dating community! I will not bore ya'll with the juicy details but just wanted to let everyone know that I am alive and that he did not "woo" me with any atrocious pick up lines, he drove a regular car not a green murder van and, aside from a super itchy bug bite on the back of my right leg, it was a pretty decent first date!!! Who knew???

Side note to Michael, Jeremy, Sean and Adele.... Thanks for all the support..you know what you did! LOL!!!