Two's company, Three's a crowd!!! PT 1

Some things are in fact better said in text, such as..."thanks for the compliment but im afraid you totally freak me out". Or, "wow, only 15 kids?" In turn some things are better said in person. The words yes, more, right, there, please and yay come to mind....

Ya'll know how i feel about the video chat...weird and potentially horrifying are two emotions that come to mind. Two things need to happen if we are going to video chat.

1) Please be aware that if you don't have a profile pic, i may actually scream upon gazing at your ugly visage for the very first time. Please don't be offended...it is just a natural fight or flight response. 

2) Remember lessons learned in driving school. Yes, driving school. Your hands must be at 10 and 2 the ENTIRE time. I was born at night, but not last night. I can tell that you aren't sewing, feeding your cat or using the remote. I can also hear...


All this being said, I video chatted the other night.

I will set the scene.... it was a dark and stormy night-sorry wrong story. Well it was dark, we are in alabama so it might have been stormy...anyway 

8ish, Im watching a movie and playing on the internets, when i get a message from a potential candiate. He uses the usual "hey" as his opening line and I respond accordingly and  take the predictable pause in conversation to check out his profile. Surprisingly there is no profile picture (there is nothing quite like a gee duh moment, huh?). Seems like a normal enough fella until I get to his description of himself. First of all he cusses out the entire population of girls on the online dating community for not responding to his emails or instant message requests. He goes on to tell us that "we" are the biggest bitches and that effin common curtesy should have been taught to us at birth. He just wants to talk for christsakes. Five hos were thrown in, four more bitches, three F u's, two "I can't believes" and a partridge in a pear tree, all in all rounding out a very colorful profile (what girl would not want to talk to this guy?) To top it all off? He and his GIRLFRIEND are looking for a girl to make a playdate with. I message him letting him know that i have read through his profile. He gives no explanation and goes straight for the million dollar question. "You intrested?"  I smile and thank god for predicitability and relpy "No, I failed sharing in kindergarden." He lol's my wit and asks if i am sure. Can you be 1000% sure of anything these days? I tell him yes and sorry ( sorry for being grossed out) and say that if he was up for it than i would totally talk to him for a bit. We talked for a bit and I found out that he and his girl have been together for 1.5 years and that she had tried it before with a previous boyfriend but was sure she would love it much more with him. Two sidenotes here:

1) only a year and a half? really? isn't it a bit early to be exploring the seedier sides of your personalities? Aren't you still in that honeymoon, can't imagine sleeping with someone else, much less call out their name, stage?
2) Maybe the problem wasn't her previous boyfriend? She might like girls. Someone should tell her it is ok


Back to the subject at hand....so we keep talking and he asks what i am doing and if i would like to come over. To his complete amazment, I tell him no. I just opened a beer and am pretty content at home. I ask to see a pic b/c at this point i just have to know what this couple looks like. He tells me that he has no problem sending a pic of himself but that he is uneasy about putting his girl on the internet (but, whoring her out on the internet is ok?). He asks me again if I want to come over b/c he has beer as well. I ask if the girlfriend is at home. Now, as crazy as it would be to be sitting on the couch with the two of them (shudder) I can't imagine sitting on the couch with just him when she gets home. He then wants to know if I am sure about not joining the two of them for fun. I say no and he responds with "Well, if it was just me would you want to hook up?" 
"What about your girlfriend?"
"She could watch"  (HELL TO THE NO)
"Uh, that doesn't sound very fun for her!"
"Oh, it would be"
"Yeah, how so?"  (STUPID, STUPID QUESTION)
"Well, after I f*** you, I get to have her" (she would take used goods? how very green of her)